Arona is a mama to 5 teenagers and a 1 year old. Due to housing limitations the whanau has had to split where they live. She wants to know how to keep everyone, connected when they can’t all live under the same roof. Video / Faultline Films
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A mum of six (five teenagers and a 1-year-old) has a parental dilemma: how do I keep connected to my children who don’t live with me?
Because of housing limitations, Arona has had to split where she and her children live.
Tonight on Kids Don’t Come with a Manual, Arona asks neuroscience educator Nathan Wallis (Ngāpuhi, Ngāti Kahungunu) for tips on staying connected.
“Being in a new relationship in a house that we can’t house all my children, I feel guilty and worried about them because I’m not right there with them. I just want a better relationship with them and to know that they’re healthy and happy,” Arona said.
This is where Wallis’ colleague, Aunty Hinewirangi, chimes in to tell Arona the Māori way of raising children works.
“Traditionally, we didn’t have mummy and daddy, just the singular ideal of whānau. We had kuia koroua and every kuia koroua helped raise us because they were experienced. Every able body went to work for the betterment of the whole,” Hinewirangi said.
Wallis concurred.
Wallis cals a whānau hui for Arona. Photo / Supplied
“It’s nice to have the physical bedroom. You know, that’s a great thing. But the physicality of that bedroom is like 5 per cent of it, 95 per cent of it is the emotional connection and the knowing that my mother is there,” he said.
“I think that’s actually beautiful. I think that’s a beautiful way and a modern way to manage whānau. I’m biased because I was raised that way, I was in four different households and I loved the fact that I could be at my auntie’s, you know, for extended periods of time. I’d go to my grandparents and live there. I did have stability. I had all those four homes. It just wasn’t the norm but just because it’s not the norm doesn’t mean you’re not having your needs met.
“We sort of associate living in lots of different homes with a dysfunctional whānau, well that’s not true, there has to be just dysfunction in the whānau for that to happen.
“Otherwise, I think lots of cultures do it as a norm, not just for tangata whenua Māori. It’s a norm for a lot of cultures. So I think it’s a strength for your whanau that you’re able to operate in that way and that you’re supported by your extended whānau. I think it’s living in a tikanga Māori way and you should just be proud.”
Nathan Wallis and Aunty Hinewairangi. Photo / Faultline Films
Nathan heads up north to meet Arona with some helpful tips to keep her connected and communicating with her teens even though they are living in different whare.
“I’d recommend that when they come in the door when any of your guys come to visit, for the first 10 minutes, you don’t give any advice. You don’t give any opinions, you just do this thing called validation,” he said.
“Validation is just saying the emotion behind what the person is saying, the emotion behind what the person is saying, reflecting that back.“
Arona has one teenager who is struggling with anxiety and she is unsure how to support them.
Nathan has some ideas.
“Anxiety is a wonderful thing when we need it to survive. It allows us to be cautious about dangers coming in the environment, but when it’s over aroused then you know that can cause problems that can interfere with our daily joy of life. You’re especially susceptible during adolescence for all the various reasons of the changes that are taking place. It just means that teenagers are more prone to have things like anxiety and depression. So what we need to do is support them. there is no way of getting rid of it and telling them to harden up isn’t going to work either.
“In fact, the research shows the exact opposite to that. The kids are just told to harden up aren’t taught the skills to know how to manage their emotions and they tend to have the worst outcomes. So that’s your opportunity to teach your kids how to manage their emotions..”
Wallis said regular routines and exercise are also helpful.
“You can’t go past regular exercise, all the endorphins that it puts into your brain really help with managing those things.
“Anxiety and depression can be related actually like we talk about depression is worrying too much about the past and anxiety is wearing too much about the future and mindfulness is living in the present moment. “
He added that a key feature of having a good relationship with your teenager is communication.
“You want to keep those communication channels open at a time developmentally when they’re really attaching to their peers and maybe detaching from mum and dad a little bit.
Watch the full episode tonight on Whakaata Māori at 7.30pm or on Māori+ on demand.
