Paul Thomas: Short, sharp heatwave sends them all troppo

Freakish heat had Wellingtonians doing anything they could to cool off. Picture / Mark Mitchell

With flood waters engulfing Brisbane, it might have escaped your notice that one of our own cities was hit by extreme weather conditions this week.

I refer of course to the heatwave that gripped Wellington.

As heatwaves go it was short and sharp, being confined to a single day, but what it lacked in duration it more than made up for in intensity: the temperature soared to an oppressive 27C while humidity levels hovered around 80 per cent.

MetService forecaster Derek Holland, a man not given to extravagance, conceded it was "quite muggy".

As Wellingtonians began shedding all vestiges of self-control, one was reminded that the term "going troppo" derives from the tendency of people from temperate climes to become disoriented and ultimately deranged in the heat and humidity of the tropics.

This freakish event was recorded for posterity by the Dominion Post in a front-page report which seems certain to become the template for the 'Phew, What a scorcher!' stories newspapers are bound by tradition to run at least once a summer.

A crack news team was dispatched to the zoo where Jak the otter, Bif the possum and Jakey the cockatoo were fed iceblocks to combat the heat, while the red pandas sought respite within the cooling arc of the sprinklers.

A queue was observed at an icecream store in Oriental Bay where the most requested gelato flavour was lemon. Since the day she first picked up a scoop and asked "Ordinary cone or waffle?" gelato maker Angie Love's career had been leading up to this. She didn't need to think about it; she just knew that "people need something refreshing".

But if a single image summed up the day when the big heat descended on our capital it was the 35 swimmers at Thorndon pool who were reduced to a slow doggy-paddle because it was simply too damn hot to do breaststroke, backstroke or freestyle.

You may scoff at global warming but I'd submit that when it's too hot to swim in Wellington, it's time to acknowledge that Mother Nature is starting to get a little weird.

While Wellingtonians are struggling with climatic conditions which meteorologists generally lump under the heading "summer", the rest of the country is basking in the sun.

Indeed it would be beautiful one day and perfect the next - in the words of the Queensland tourism slogan - were it not for the self-inflicted wounds of New Year's resolutions.

It's a bitter irony that summer and New Year's resolutions go together like barbecued sausages and tomato sauce. Summer means the festive season, goodwill to all men, holidays and sunshine, all of which combine to generate a surge of misplaced optimism that the time is now: this is the year when you re-invent yourself as the person you've always wanted to be.

Summer also means appearing in public in your swimming togs which induces intense body consciousness, further motivation for self-improvement.

It's hard to believe that people in the Northern Hemisphere bother making New Year's resolutions. If you were walking to work picking wind-blown ice shards out of your face, would you be resolving to give up rich casseroles and red wine and go jogging four mornings a week?

New Year's resolutions are compelling evidence of mankind's innate foolishness. They are a product of guilt or hubris and a cause of torment and shame, promises we make to ourselves knowing deep down that we're highly unlikely to honour them.

There are two types of New Year's resolutions: those that have already gone out the window and those that will shortly do so.

Research tells us that 78 per cent of New Year's resolutions fail, but that's only because 20 per cent of the participants in the survey lied.

Common sense tells us that at least 98 per cent of New Year's resolutions fail for the simple reason that they fly in the face of all our instincts and upbringing: they require effort and self-deprivation for some vague, distant pay-off.

Apart from "Enjoy life more" and possibly "Spend more time with family and friends", most New Year's resolutions involve going without things we like and taking up things that we know are going to cause discomfort and boredom, if not actual suffering: getting fit; losing weight; stopping smoking; stopping or cutting down drinking; getting out of debt; learning something new; being a better person.

That said, there's nothing like a little self-denial to make you feel good about yourself. This week I went five nights in a row without a drop of wine passing my lips. I think that calls for a celebration.