KEY POINTS:
It's really been an annus horribilis for poor jazz pixie Amy Winehouse.
The latest episode in her train wreck of a life has her embroiled in a sinister kidnapping plot.
Word has it that gangland mobsters are now threatening to kidnap the troubled star, unless a ransom of 100,000 pounds (NZ$260,000) is paid.
British tabloid The News of The World is reporting that jailbird villains inside London's Pentonville Prison, where Wino's terrified hubby Blake Fielder-Civil is an inmate, have masterminded the kidnap plot.
Fielder-Civil is currently on remand after being charged with perverting the course of justice in connection with an assault case - and has sent a frantic message to Wino to be safe and to be on her guard.
A source tells the newspaper, "Blake's petrified. He's living in fear for Amy's life and his own. At first he thought the guys in here were just trying their luck but the threats have got really bad. He's now under no illusions and convinced they'll go through with what they say."
"They've ordered Blake to pay the 100 grand into a secret bank account within the next few days or else ... and Amy will be snatched and harmed. She's at her weakest right now, and what with her wandering the streets in the dead of night she's at a massive risk."
Initial reports indicated that Fielder-Civil had gone cold turkey while inside and decided to kick his grubby heroin habit, but the newspaper now claims to have discovered how he:
* Was lured back on drugs by gangsters who were masterminding the kidnap plot.
* Failed a random drugs test that proved positive for Class A drugs.
* Is incarcerated with a bunch of sex perverts as punishment.
What goes around, comes around, Blakey.
Claus for thought
Check out Ashton Kutcher's Christmas card.
It's noice, different, unusual.
Papa Smurf
So this guy goes to see his doctor with a minor case of psoriasis, and the good doc. prescribes a dose of colloidal silver to alleviate the symptoms.
But things go wrong, very wrong...
The poor bloke turns blue.
Yup, papa Smurf is alive and well and living in a perpetual bluesy state.
Check it out here.
Pass the airbrush
Sarah Jessica Parker has struggled somewhat with her lines on the set of Sex and The City: The Movie.
The vain actress is so preoccupied with her wrinkly visage, she's using every trick in the book to ensure her appearance is buffed and polished by the time the movie is released next May.
As executive producer on the film, Parker has carte blanche to edit as she pleases, and so she's using technology to iron out the creases - digital airbrushing, to be exact.
A source tells the Daily Mail: "She demanded a soft-filter lens during filming because it is more flattering.
"And she's also a big fan of digital airbrushing, even though it is massively expensive.
"The girls all have more lines and wrinkles and digital editing has proved particularly necessary on the close-ups.
"They are airbrushing not just their faces but their legs, arms and necks."
Festive turkey
Oooh, smell that? That's the carcass of Jessica Simpson's 'career' rotting away like some discarded leftover turkey.
The blonde's new movie Blonde Ambition was released on eight cinema screens in the US last weekend, and the results are shocking.
Blonde Ambition averaged US$48 per screen on Friday for total box office takings of US$384.
Ouch.
My math isn't dazzling, but judging by those figures I'd say fewer than 50 people went to see the celluloid crap.
Britney's paparazzi meltdown
Brit Brit's love/hate relationship with the paparazzi has taken a dramatic turn.
The popwreck was videoed by TMZ this weekend as she hopped out of her car, plonked herself in the middle of the street and attempted to take a photograph of a pretty mural.
However, her snapping attempts were somewhat thwarted by overzealous paparazzi who refused to step out of her way.
So, the Toxic diva spits the dummy and throws a tanty - and whacks a camera against a car bonnet in the process.
The interesting thing about the embarrassing freak out is that the idiot smashed up her own camera, and later had to return to the scene to retrieve her camera memory card which had been blown to smithereens.
Lucky for her, a helpful pap finds it for her and calm is restored ... for all of five seconds.
She then hops into a pap's car and screeches off at lightning speed.
But the best bit has to be footage of the hillbilly emerging from a car decked in her favourite pink wig and tight dress, and shacking up with a photographer at the Peninsula Hotel.
Said snapper later emerges from the hotel at 4am, craving what some speculate to be a post-coital cigarette.
Did she? Didn't she?
Click here and judge for yourselves.
Signing off
Right, it's tinsel time!
I'm off to stuff the turkey, pour myself a large Cosmopolitan, and drool over a very special New Zealand Firemen calendar that was gifted to me last night.
I've blogged, I've bitten, but I'll be back ... on Friday.
Fast gossip
Give me five minutes, and I'll tell you everything...
Jake Gyllenhaal has a neck tattoo: Just Jared
Love it or hate it: Christina Ricci's hair: Socialitelife
Jamie Lynn Spears' OK! Magazine pictures: The Star Blogger
Victoria Beckham can actually use a cell phone: Hollywood Tuna
Lindsay Lohan is desperate for cash: A Socialite's Life
Beyonce and Jay-Z not hitched: Hollywood Rag
Brad Pitt on where he thinks orphans come from: Allie Is Wired
Paris Hilton is back with pizza boy? The Evil Beet
Michael Jackson needs cash: Celebslam
