Which reality show would you choose to be on - and why? Our panel of TV experts take their pick.
Jersey Shore
The exploits of these eight overly tan, often drunk, unemployed jerks ran for six seasons over four years. That's 71 episodes, or 2982 minutes of television. It is to my absolute undying shame that I have seen every single second of Jersey Shore, but I haven't watched every episode of The Sopranos. Too bad. I fell in love with Ron-Ron, Sammie, Pauly D, J.Wow, Vinny, The Sitch, Snookie and crazy Deena so badly that I feel like I've already appeared on the show.
The cast from MTV show Jersey Shore.
At night I dream of eating pickles with Snookie. I go tanning with The Sitch. I drink Ron-Ron juice with Ron. I bitch about everyone behind their backs with Sammie. And I help Pauly D choose a T-shirt, yell out, "Cabs are here!" and then head to the lamest club imaginable to fist-pump and "beat up the beat" with terrible dance music. So lame. So cool. Somebody get me the help I need.
Watching the golden era of Keeping Up With the Kardashians I always felt a deep and inexplicable yearning to spend a day with Kim, Khloe and the gang, to shuffle my stockinged feet across the polished marble floors of their vast Calabasas mansion. Perhaps we would find out we were related somehow and Kris would pay for me to go and visit, or maybe they'd fall on hard times and have to start renting out one of their guest bedrooms on Airbnb. However it happened didn't really matter. I was just convinced I'd have an enjoyable and relaxing day doing little more than mooching around the house with them.
The Kardashian sisters, Kourtney , Khloe and Kim.
That weird Jonathan guy could have come and picked us up and driven us to an expensive but tastelessly-decorated restaurant for lunch. I'd have ordered meekly in my New Zealand accent and they'd have all laughed, but not it a mean way. They would have liked me.
- Calum Henderson
Pirate Master
Hands down (on deck) I would definitely want to join the crew of Pirate Master. Not to be confused with the UK reality TV show, Shipwrecked - where marooned morons battle to throw the biggest island party (think Survivor meets Geordie Shore). No, on Pirate Master you get to become a freaking pirate! You get to hunt out hidden buried treasure, wear full pirate getup and sail the great seas Pirates of the Caribbean-style. Hosted by Australian Cameron Peter Daddo the TV series only lasted one season in 2007. It was a Survivor spin-off where contestants would vie to become the Captain, face potential mutiny or walk the plank. You'd become crew mates with some amazingly quirky characters, like John, whose real word occupation is a scientist/exotic dancer or bearded scallywag Louie, the fishing dock operator.
Sure, at times the competition would be grueling, pirates aren't known to have the best living conditions, but the treasure would be worth it. Plus, think of all the great/annoying pirate puns: Where do pirate's drink their rum? At the barrrrrrrrrgh. What does a pirate wish upon? A starrrrrrrrrgh. Why are pirates better than ninjas? They get more booty.
Never in my life have I watched a reality show and thought 'yup, I'd sign up for that'. Until the premiere of Aussie renovation show House Rules two years ago. Unlike every other show in existence, which string contestants along in the vain hopes of winning a single grand prize, House Rules makes everyone a winner. Even if you make it no further than the first round, you have a fully renovated home. Sure, the decor might not be to your taste but that's just frosting. Anyone who's entered the home renovation game knows, the big money goes on all the bits you don't see. And to get a re-wired, re-plumbed, re-Gibbed, insulated home would be 100 per cent worth it.
- Joanna Hunkin
America's Next Top Model
America's Next Top Mode.
I remember watching ANTM religiously with my sister every Friday night. Reality TV was just starting to become a 'thing' and we were totally captivated by the show's petty squabbles, outlandish photo shoots and of course, the eccentricity of Tyra Banks and her panel of judges. Despite all evidence to the contrary (I had only recently stopped wearing an orange Kathmandu polarfleece on a daily basis) I dreamed of successfully auditioning for the show: being bullied by Mrs Jay, meeting noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker and having my hair destroyed in the always-dramatic makeover episode.
As the show limps on, season after season, it's now the insane photo shoots which hold the most appeal. Keeping things fresh means models on the show have engaged in all kinds of ridiculous photo shoots, including posing for fake romance-novel cover photos with Fabio, jewellery modelling with live bees, a "bi-racial beauties" shoot which was basically blackface and posing with Mexican wrestlers. The madness that is Tyra Banks ties the show together; no one else could propose such loopy ideas and really make them work. Plus, it would be great to meet the woman who gifted "smizing" to the world.
- Tess Nichol
The Amazing Race
Host of The Amazing Race, Phil Keoghan.
Of all the reality shows in the world, who wouldn't turn down the opportunity to go on The Amazing Race? The show is basically free travel to all these amazing and off beat countries you wouldn't normally plan a trip around, plus the challenges are some of the most insane and bizarre on television - rolling cheese wheels down a Swedish hill? Sounds great! Plus, as someone who's quite a fan of drama, I love the idea of competing against shrill, loud, backstabbing Americans. Half the fun would be in creating multiple alliances, breaking them and starting all over again. And you can always win US$1 million at the end of it, so that a bonus, but let's be real, I'm there for the free travel and the free entertainment. You don't need a million bucks when you've got those priceless memories.
