Verity Johnson: Seven ways to save Campbell Live

TV3 journalist John Campbell.

Don't want to see John Campbell leave your TV screen in the evenings? Then put these seven ways to save Campbell Live into action.

Comrades, a spectre has fallen over New Zealand. The spectre of the death of Campbell Live. No self-respecting leftie - and for that read anyone who doesn't think only the rich should be allowed to have children - can let this pass.

Here we declare our manifesto to save Campbell Live. It's not just for TV bigwigs, or people in power, it is for all of us! For every man, woman and child. For the children! And our children's children.

Take up arms, New Zealand, we shall not rest until that national treasure and owner of exquisite cheekbones, has been saved.

1. Jelly wrestling

The great sage of our age, Pitbull, proved that these days content is irrelevant. All you need to build a gargantuan following is relentless objectification, dubious white man moves and baby oil. So every night at 7pm, get John Campbell and Mike Hosking to strip down to red and blue budgie smugglers and wrestle in a pool of cherry jelly. It'd be dirty, baffling and quietly terrifying - a pretty accurate political critique, then?

2. Diverge into other investment opportunities

Every smart business knows that divestment is essential for actionising strategic dynamicising growth opportunities, yes? So, Campbell Live needs to diversify. It needs its own book, magazine, HBO series, stand-up show, colouring-in picture books and toothpaste line. Predicting problems selling this plethora of new products? Call it the Campbell Live 50 Shades line. Campbell Live Butt Plug Range - Nothing Stops Us Probing the Depths of the Matter.

3. Go gluten-free

It's the solution to all modern problems.

4. Start a Facebook campaign

We all know the power of those "Tag Me and Your Besties in This Post To Show You Love Us Or You'll Get Cancer And Die You Bitch" posts are. They're clearly harnessing some phenomenal supernatural power for their own coercive purposes. Surely we can harness this dark energy and use it to save John?

5. Sex Strike

When Belgium couldn't form a government in 2011, a Belgian senator called upon a sex strike until the government was formed. In Colombia in 2006, girlfriends of Colombian gang members refused their fellahs sex until they gave up violence. (In following years there was a 26.5 per cent drop in crime rates.) So, ladies and gentlemen, cross your legs, take constant icy showers and invite your mother-in-law to move in. No getting it on until they promise Campbell Live lives on.

6. Chain yourself to Campbell

It's time to bring back some good old-fashioned protesting. Set fire to your bras! Set fire to your textbooks! Set fire to anything and everything flammable! (Except perhaps your farts - we're saving those as a reserve strategy to generate social media interest in the show.) Or, if you're really committed, stalk every supermarket until you find John, pounce when he's distracted in the cereal aisle, and chain yourself to him. Refuse to leave until he is saved. Viva Che-mpbell!

7. A bit anti-climatic after all this but...

Watch the show?

- nzherald.co.nz