3. How did you quit?
When I was 37 I had this epiphany. I'd gone to Los Angeles to paint and by all accounts had this amazing life. I had lots of friends and was supporting myself as an artist. But underneath I was utterly miserable. I was trapped and ashamed and I couldn't sustain it anymore. An idea that had been playing on my mind for some time was that love is a much more powerful force than hate. I realised it wasn't the food I had to quit, it was hating myself.
4. Was that easier said than done?
Yep. I tried to pretend that I loved myself. That didn't work. I looked at how Nelson Mandela was able to treat people who were awful to him with love. Firstly by bringing respect to the table and treating people as if they have the capacity to be good even if they haven't demonstrated that yet. I had to find a way to love my body so I made myself look closely in the mirror at each bit and feel grateful for what it could do. It was unbearable at first. All I could see were bulges, sags and stretch marks. I tried to think about what each bit had done for me -- helping me cycle up hills and dance with friends. It was a long, slow journey of changing my thoughts but it began to feel good.
5. When did you stop bingeing?
I also decided: If I need to binge I'm going to knock myself out but with one caveat -- I am going to be present for the experience. I'm going to taste it and enjoy it because my body is telling me it wants it and we're not fighting anymore. Afterwards I didn't feel so ashamed. I just felt full and I didn't need to vomit. The binges got smaller and foods I'd avoided for years lost their appeal.
6. What's your approach to food now?
I think we've lost touch with our bodies which actually have an amazing capacity to let us know what's good for us. Some days I'll have a salad for lunch and that will absolutely hit the spot. Other days I need a baked potato with butter. I think it's a shame when people say we should avoid emotional eating. Of course eating to squash emotions is bad but there's this beautiful emotion when people eat a great meal together that needs to be celebrated.
7. Did you always want to be a writer?
I wrote in a journal all the time when I was young but I failed School Cert English really badly - I got 30 per cent. It killed my dream of being a writer. Looking back, I had really bad handwriting and atrocious spelling. Computers have been my saviour. But I got an A for art and went on to do corporate work as a brand consultant in the graphic design business.
8. Why did you start blogging?
I'd become a full-time painter and was getting frustrated that people were buying my paintings to go with their couches. I didn't want to be one of those really esoteric artists either so I started blogging about my art to explain the ideas behind it. Being an artist, people wouldn't expect me to be a great writer. I quickly understood from all the comments and emails I was getting that people wanted more of my writing than my art.
9. You "came out" about your bulimia on your blog just over a year ago. Why?
When Robin Williams died I noticed how far society has come in understanding depression, yet we don't have the same conversation about eating disorders. I was thinking I'd rather say I had bipolar disorder than bulimia so I wrote this blog and posted it to all my subscribers and then totally panicked. I felt sick. I couldn't leave the house or look at my phone. But when I got up the courage the response was amazing. A few weeks later I realised that this layer of shame had disappeared and I felt so much freer.
10. Do you blog to help others?
It feels dishonest to say I'm doing it to help other people. It's really my own creative outlet -- it helps me feel connected. I'm not qualified to help others, I can only tell my story. A lot of people in the self-help genre are dishing out advice from a place of "I know how to fix you" which I find a bit icky. Ironically that's the category my books are sold in.
11. You've now published two Amazon No 1 Best Sellers. Is it easy to publish a book these days?
It's easy to publish e-books but it's harder to sell them. I've learnt so much about things like search engine algorithms. Amazon suggests books based on what other people who like the same kind of books have rated well. I did a five-day promotion in their Hot New Releases which was really successful. I was only No 1 in the Eating Disorders and Women's Health categories which means I've sold thousands of Kindle downloads worldwide but I'm not about to buy a new house.
12. You once wrote, "When I was 39 I forgave myself for being single without children". Why did you feel guilty about that?
I'd learnt with bulimia that not being a mother was something I'd have to make peace with. It wasn't easy, but I completely grieved for it to the point that when I met Graeme there was no "are you going to be the father of my children?" left lurking in the back of my mind. Graeme didn't think he could have kids and we were fine with that. Six weeks later I was pregnant. It was crazy. Our second baby came soon after the first. This probably seems a funny thing to cry about but I feel very, very privileged and grateful.
For more information visit www.emmawright.co.nz
