TV Eye: Getting down to the fat of the matter

The Chawtners are seeking an apology from TVNZ. Photo / Supplied

Okay, so a fat British family called the Chawners, who "star" in a show called, in Britain, Lorraine Kelly's Big Fat Challenge and here, Big Fat Family Challenge, want TVNZ to apologise for billing them as "Britain's fattest and laziest family". Philip Chawner has said that they are not Britain's fattest family and he knows this because "there was a woman on our local TV this week, she was 51 stone [324kg]". He wasn't complaining about being called Britain's
laziest family.

Philip went from 23st 10lb to 21st 3lb so, really, he's but a slip of a thing compared to the 51 stone fatso on his local telly. TVNZ should apologise forthwith. This sort of misleading, abusive labelling is just not on. I, for one, am disgusted and outraged and appalled, etc. I would dearly love to see that apology.

Something like this should do the trick ... .

Dear Chawner family,

TVNZ offers sincere apologies for billing you as Britain's fattest family. We accept that you are not and that there was some really fat woman on your local TV the other week. Could you get her phone number? We'd like to do a show about a really fat person because that's never been done before and we think it would make for riveting television.

It would help if she was not just really fat but really lazy, stupid and ghastly. We think a show which purports (that's a big word, we know, for a family whose teenage daughters have never heard of Adam and Eve, so to help you out, it means pretends) to help really fat, lazy, stupid and ghastly people lose weight, would be ground-breaking television. (That, by the way, is a pun - which is a joke - about fat people.) To show that we are sincere about our apology, we are sending you a gift basket. This will include 250 packets of pork scratchings, a slab of fags, 50 packs of bacon, six whole pigs and an enormous deep fryer. Please make good use of these gifts. Up for another series, are you?

Tell you what, next time round we'll bill it as "Britain's Most Awful (But Not Fattest) Family".

Sincerely, TVNZ's marketing department.

Have you watched the Chawners? I really can't get disgusted, outraged, etc about their fat. I can, just about, stir myself to get depressed that they're on the telly - given that a large part of the reason they're so fat is because all they do is sit in front of the telly, there is no point marvelling at the lack of self-awareness of the awful Chawners. I do feel a bit sorry for the girls, being born to parents who are so mind-bogglingly selfish and stupid that they should never have been allowed to breed. This stuff does tend to turn you into a raving, rampant far right-winger - another reason to despise it.

Why they wanted to breed (no doubt a really raving rampant right-winger would say they did it for the benefit) is a mystery. Why they wanted to go on the telly is also unfathomable, beyond wanting to achieve what passes for fame. Did they think people would love them? In Saturday's episode, the mother, Audrey, a foul-mouthed, bad-tempered shrew, had an asthma attack. The family had been taken to London and were looking forward to a big night out, eating. Audrey ruined this and nobody wanted to go with her in the ambulance. There was a possibility she would die. Sam, finally, showed some distress. By way of solace, Emma recounted a story about how Sam had once slapped her mother's face and "you wished she was dead". Then she told a story about how Audrey once ate 900g of peanuts and "couldn't go to the toilet". Audrey was taken to hospital and, I'll spare you the details, had 450g of peanuts
removed. Her husband - and let's just remember that he thinks, at this point, his wife might be about to die - said: "And didn't it smell?"

They're a charming lot. Philip, when told the girls are to go to France (to see some wackjob nutritionist, a description for which I'd better apologise in advance), sulks. He's never been abroad. He might as well finish it now. It's not fair.

I'll tell you what's not fair: screening this freak show. It really does make you want to slap somebody. The makers, or the programmers: either would do.

Speaking of charmless TV, Grand Designs, Australia screens on TV3 on Saturdays. It is, like its British parent, a show about watching concrete dry. It doesn't have the quite brainy and a bit sexy Kevin McCloud, so don't bother, unless it's a choice between that or the Chawners.

-TimeOut