One team navigates icy waters on the first episode of new Warner Bros. Discovery show Tracked. Photo / Supplied
REVIEW:
About five minutes in to Three’s new show Tracked, it becomes blindingly obvious that I wouldn’t last long.
Hosted by Vinnie Jones, the new Warner Bros Discovery ANZ show is Bear Grylls meets the Hunger Games (minus the fight-to-the-death part) meets a really intense game of hide-and-seek.
There’s no wi-fi, no bathrooms, no Google Maps - and that’s just the beginning.
While being followed by elite special forces “trackers”, eight teams of two must avoid being captured as they battle their way through unforgiving terrain in the remotest parts of New Zealand.
Maybe I need to stop watching Yellowjackets, but I already have a healthy fear of “the wilderness”, and now I’m absolutely certain the ninja-like trackers will manifest in my nightmares.
So, why can’t I stop watching?
Maybe the show’s biggest drawcard is the gruff Jones, who as host and narrator is pretty much identical to every character he’s played on screen.
When he first appears, I can’t help but have a fangirl moment, as does one of the contestants, Danee: “OMG, I just saw you in a movie last night!” Is She’s The Man on repeat in your house too, Danee?
It’s completely ignored by Jones as he gives the group their first challenge in the Southern Alps. They must navigate their way across the Earnslaw Burn, between cliffs, thick bush and icy water for two days, including an overnighter during which they can’t be caught by the trackers - but they must make it to the extraction point on the other side of the valley by 4pm the next day without getting caught.
Our teams include couples, best mates, and a father-and-daughter duo and hail from all over the world - but it quickly becomes clear that the three Kiwi teams have an advantage here, particularly Team Brown’s 19-year-old hunters Gabe and Riley and Team Red’s Regan and Regan (yes, two Regans).
Team Orange’s Caroline and Simon are married but they’ve been on a break for eighteen months and think “this experience will either make or break us” - because there’s nothing like hashing out your issues on screen while hiding from the SAS in remote bush to save a marriage.
I also have grave concerns for parkour partners Team Yellow Danee and Stephania, mainly because there are no parking buildings for them to scale and Steph’s “not particularly familiar with hiking boots”.
Team Blue, Aussie self-described “nomads” Ryland and Rad quickly prove they’re front runners, despite the fact that when we first meet Ryland, he’s brushing his teeth in the helicopter on the way to the drop zone and shortly after landing, demands to know “Which way’s Starbucks?” (Another reason why I wouldn’t survive).
The elite trackers, known only as Kāhu 1 and Kāhu 2, don’t get to the drop zone until an hour later, but they’ve got military experts guiding them and they also have smaller packs to carry, which just doesn’t seem fair.
They quickly pick up on “sign” from the contestants - any indications that the environment has been disturbed, like footprints or rocks indented into the sand. In terrain like this, it’s hard not to leave tracks. Team Green’s Megan, from the US, notes that in New Zealand, “They don’t have predatory animals, but their bush will eat you alive.” Reason number five.
Watching the trackers go into “capture mode” is a bit dramatic and more than once I’m convinced that Team Yellow’s Danee and Steph are toast, but it’s not to be. The camp deadline saves them from being captured and the contestants hunker down for the night.
In the morning, it’s the laidback Aussies and camo-clad Teams Brown and Red that are the first to make it to the extraction point.
Father-and-daughter duo Beth and Neil of Team Pink set out to leave a confusing trail for the trackers but ultimately get too far into the bush and decide to head back up into the open - but the decision leads to their downfall as they stumble right into the trackers’ path and they’re captured.
Neil’s gutted - “I could cry right now” - and I can’t help but feel the same for the pair, who have travelled all the way from the UK to be here.
Jones isn’t upset, just disappointed. “I thought you two were prepared,” he growls, and Team Pink’s journey comes to an abrupt end.
Watching the show, you get to experience just a tiny taste of the adrenaline the contestants must be feeling as they try to evade capture, and it’s addictive. That combined with Jones’ star power and a hint of drama to come between the contestants mean I’ll keep watching.
And if nothing else, it’ll give you a renewed appreciation for just how beautiful the remotest parts of Aotearoa are.
Tracked is screening on Three and available to watch on ThreeNow
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