Thoughts on Thrones: How to train your Drogon

Herald online

9 Jun, 2015 04:15 AM10 mins to read

A scene from the latest episode of Game of Thrones. Photo / HBO

Spoiler alert: Five Game of Thrones fans - Russell Baillie, Cameron McMillan, Robert Smith, Chris Schulz and Karl Puschmann - share their thoughts on season five's ninth episode, The Dance of Dragons.

Bring your daughter to the slaughter

Well that was a truly awful episode of Game of Thrones. And I mean that in the very best sense of the word.

Moving on from last week's yawn inducing, snow zombie meh-pocalypse and returning to the underhanded, nasty goings-on of actual people we were treated to an episode absolutely bursting with grotesque tension, gripping power plays and at least one example of true, bastard, unforgivable evil.

Add in a cliffhanger of sorts (how, exactly, are Tyrion and co gonna escape the remaining Sons of the Harpy and get out of the arena?), a couple of genuine LOLs (Bronn's sucker-punch punishment) and one blink-and-you'll-miss-it beheading (it was his honour to die, apparently...) and what you've got is easily the best episode of the season so far.

A scene from the latest episode of Game of Thrones. Photo / HBO

But also the worst. And, again, I mean this is the best sense of the word.

Stannis. That evil, foul bastard. All the brownie points, sympathy and likability that his nit picky, grammatical tendencies earnt him a few weeks back went up in flames in this episode. In a series full of despicable and villainous evil I think Stannis' actions here have been the worst.

It was awful to watch. And this time I mean it in the worst sense of the word. As his daughter's screams filled the room I started to wonder if this was a tipping point. There's dark and then there's just wrong. And GoT now seems to be taking almost perverse delight in its wrongness, in seeing how close it can dance up to the line of moral (and viewer) acceptability. There's been plenty of damnable moments over the course of its five seasons but here the makers almost waltzed right on over that line.
For a minute there I even considered turning Game of Thrones off and leaving it to its vile entertainment. I doubt I was the only one. Anecdotally, Sansa's wedding night lost the show a lot of viewers. I suspect Princess Shireen's execution here will see it shedding more.

But the fact that the show can induce such a visceral reaction is testament to its quality. Before it was brutal entertainment. This season it has become brutal and uncompromising.

And even though I thought about it, I simply can't turn it off. Because if I do I'll never get to see Stannis get his comeuppance. If there's any justice in the Seven Kingdoms then surely, comeuppance for that must be brewing.

I, for one, would hate to miss it.

- Karl Puschmann (Still foolishly believes that one day he will actually sit down and read the books)

Wind beneath my wings

No sooner had the ice zombie madness of the Battle of Hardhome finished last week, then some genius had matched it to Michael Jackson's Thriller. It can only be minutes away surely that the final scene of last night's episode - with Daenerys carried aloft by her dragon offspring Drogon - gets its own alternative theme tune.

Wind Beneath My Wings? Fly Like an Eagle? Eight Miles High? The theme music from How to Train Your Dragon or Neverending Story or that bit in Avatar?

Away you go internet, surprise us.

Because we could certainly do with a laugh after the horrible act that defined this penultimate episode of season five.

Stannis Baratheon, the throne claimant whose witchy mistress Melisandre fuels his political ambition with Lord-of-the-Light religious zealotry, had his teenage daughter Shireen burned at the stake.

His plans to conquer the north and lay siege to Winterfell had fallen apart. The only way to get his destiny back on track was, at Melisandre's urging, a sacrifice of royal blood.

Just the other week he was having a touching dad and daughter moment with Shireen. Aha. We know now that was just a set-up to make this filicide all the more heinous. It was.

This might have been an episode with someone finally piloting a dragon, the beast having arrived in a nick of time to save his mum. But that visual isn't as memorable as the sound of Shireen's screams making this the most harrowing moment of this season so far. And that's saying something.

You have to wonder what it's done for Stannis as a character, though. True, he's always been ruthless and fond of frying his enemies alive under the manipulative guidance of Melisandre.

But this series he's shown signs of maybe deserving the top job he craves. Not now, though. If he makes it out of season five alive he will remain a marked man. Add him to the endless list of Game of Thrones' evil bastards we'll be glad to see the back of, eventually.

Daenerys also showed where listening to bad advice can get you. She reopened Meereen's's fighting pits, acceding to local demand for the return of the colosseum spectacle.

But just as Ser Jorah - surprise! Again! - had done his best Russell Crowe in the arena, local terrorist cell Sons of the Harpy attacked the royal enclosure.

Cue the death of her Lionel Richie-resembling arranged marriage husband. Cue arrival of Drogon to ferry mother to safety after munching on some Harpys and frying some others and getting a little shish-kebabed itself for his troubles.

That did leave the royal retinue including Tyrion and Jorah to fend for themselves on the stadium floor as she soared above and the credits rolled.

But as the rest of this episode showed, there are worse places to be in the GoT world right now.

- Russell Baillie (latter day convert to the show, hasn't read the books)

Easter eggs

Leaked DVD commentary of Dance of the Dragons - Game of Thrones season 5 ep 9:

Emilia Clarke (Daenerys Targaryen), Iain Glen (Jorah Mormont), Peter Dinklage (Tyrion Lannister) and Gary Henderson (Son of Harpy #7)

Swooping overhead shot of the Meereen fighting pits...

Clarke: OMG I still can't believe they killed that little girl. WTF. Totes OTT. Hey finally it's our scene. We can actually add comment to this commentary. Sorry for the last 34 minutes of just us checking our phones. I remember this day. The Starbucks at Dubrovnik was packed with all these extras. Huge lines. This was actually a boring day. Lots of sitting I recall.

Glen: Maybe for you. That guy who had his head chopped off, really nice guy. Brought persimmons for the whole crew.

Dinklage: They were great persimmons. I stole that gold tunic. Wore it last week to a soiree at Kit Harrington's place.

Glen: True story I actually improvised most of my fight moves. Well at least the last one. Through the guts - that was my idea. It was meant to be through the chest. I remember because I added the line, 'You don't have the guts to fight here'. The line was cut.

Dinklage: Which Harpy are you Gary?

Henderson: I'm the one holding that guy's arms behind his back while he's stabbed in the chest by another Harpy. Took 58 takes.

Clarke: What a lot of people don't know is that Peter also did the dragon noises.

Dinklage: I did. I also did backup screaming for Shireen's death.

Clarke: I watched The Never Ending Story several times to get the correct dragon flying technique.

Glen: That's a great movie. Do you still have it? We should watch it now.

Rest of commentary is about the comparisons between Fantasia and Essos and whether Bastian and Barristan are related.

- Cameron McMillan (a Thrones trainspotter who can always be relied upon for up-to-date statistics and random factoids. He spent the time between seasons reading all the books)

Burning down the House of Baratheon

The terrified screams of an innocent young girl being put to death by her insane parents linger long after the credits have rolled in the latest episode of Game of Thrones, and not even the roar of an enraged mother-loving dragon can fully drown them out.

In a series noticeable for its brutality, the horrific fate of Shireen Baratheon is one of the harshest moments yet. The grown-ups play their stupid games of war and retribution, but their children pay the price, and nobody pays a higher price than little Shireen.

The programme tries to balance out the grim horror of her death by going properly epic in the last quarter, with gladiatorial combat, a sudden attack by a horde of blood-thirsty slavers and a bloody dragon in full flight and fury. It's a brilliantly paced escalation, and follows a similarly epic climax last week. Tyrion, Jorah and Daario all get to play the hero, but the real lesson is for the Sons of the Harpy, who learn why it's a very, very bad idea to go after somebody who is literally a mother of dragons.

But while Daenerys gets to go off and find herself while flying an extremely grumpy weapon of mass destruction, there is no escape for poor Shireen. Stannis might sometimes be unwittingly charming, but he can go to hell now. While he might have a legitimate claim to the Iron Throne, nobody who can watch their own child burn deserves to sit on it.

- Robert Smith (has read every book, watched every episode, owns several T-shirts, and is still wondering why they call Tormund the Giantsbane.)

Leaked email from Fighting Pits

RE: Security issues on Friday (PLEASE READ!)

Hi guys, I just wanted to congratulate everyone on an excellent Fighting Pit event. It was a great comeback after several months off. So much blood! And that decapitation - WOW! That will take some beating.

However, there are a couple of small issues I'd like to discuss. Let's keep them in mind so the Fighting Pits don't risk closure again. We want to run a safe, secure, family-friendly event for a long time to come.

Firstly, we sold out of horsemeat hot dogs. The culinary trend sweeping Westeros has reached Meereen. Please step up production. Should we also offer a vegetarian option?

Secondly, dragons are not allowed - I repeat, NOT ALLOWED - in the fighting pits. It's just unfair. Can you breathe fire? Didn't think so. Leave your dragons at home please. Or at least leave them at coat check.

Thirdly, what's with all the masks? It's not a good look on TV. We want faces people - the Kiss Cam just doesn't work as well. It's a little too Eyes Wide Shut. It weirded people out. From now on, they're banned.

Lastly, knives are a no-no. If people are bringing in packed lunches to eat during the show, they're only allowed plastic knives and forks. It got a bit too stabby on Friday. No one wants to see the Queen running for her life. The pins on her though, right guys?

Otherwise, great work team! See you all at karaoke on Tuesday.

- Mike (Head of Security)

- Chris Schulz (only watches Game of Thrones for scenes involving the amazing Gwendoline Christie, aka Brienne of Tarth, aka the greatest woman on Earth)