Well, Charles, I wanted to watch a TV show but then this annoying ad came on and now you're the one sitting in the chair and the beard guy and another guy with scissors and a really bad haircut are hanging off your every word. But hang on, the beard guy has scissors too. They're both barbers! But there's only one chair! How can two barbers have only one chair? That can't maximise their earning potential. Maybe Charles has come to tell the hipsters how to run their business. Or maybe, because this is advertising, they are there for no other reason than to look cool, in an advertising version of cool. But shhh, Charles is speaking really fast now, possibly getting to something important.
Or are you the Trade Me type? Do you want to turn selling things into a profession? Find new customers. Are you a butcher, a cookie baker, a scented candlemaker?
What, Charles? I'm even more confused now. Is this an ad for Trade Me? Is that why when you said "find new customers" the two hipster barbers shook hands? Because the reason there is only one chair is that this is a hipster barbershop that only cuts the hair of other hipster barbers? That's pretty niche marketing, even by advertising standards.
And what's with the incessant drumming, Charles? Is this imaginary barbershop for other barbers next to a shop that tunes drum kits? Or did someone from the advertising agency see Birdman and think "that's cool, we should steal that idea". But ssshh, Charles is still talking, really earning his money.
Do you want to sell thermal underwear to the Brits, to the Yanks, to the Jamaicans?
So now we cut to another, wider shot, and there's a little yappy dog there. And a woman. Is she a woman barber? She certainly looks like she works there. So now there's three of them and only one chair. Maybe this is an ad for a company that sells barbershop chairs. Or toilets - because everything is white and Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) was sitting on the crapper when Tyrion killed him on Game of Thrones. That makes as much sense as anything Charles is saying.
Do you want to shift more product? Warehouses in Shanghai; or are you The Warehouse, where everyone gets a bargain?
It's a Warehouse ad? Wow, they are seriously upping their production values. Is there a Warehouse in Casterly Rock, I wonder? Was Tywin Lannister the Stephen Tindall of Westeros? Does that explain the presence of Charles Dance in the world's most inexplicable ad? But sssh, he seems to be nearing the actual point.
If so, there's a company you should talk to.
Good to know.
They're already talking.
Hang on. Sorry, who's talking to who? I thought you were talking to me, because I have a face. And did one of those barber dudes seriously just cut off one hair and call it a haircut? How much are they charging for that? Charles, while you're busy talking to me, these hipsters are taking serious advantage of you. Tywin wouldn't put up with that sort of shit.
Do you want to make someone's day today? Do you want to send them a treat or treasure?
Sure. Always up for that sort of thing. And can I stop the stupid drumming while I'm at it?
Fine chocolates; fresh oysters; or perhaps post a letter - they still do that, you know.
Sorry, Charles? What? Who posts the letter? The barber you just gave it to and that he put in his apron? Mind you, given the complete rort of the haircut you just didn't get Charles, they better do something for their bloody money.
But enough about them ...
About who, Charles?! I'm still very lost!
... what do you want to do today? Because whatever it is, you can.
And now the barber with the unfeasible beard is using your voice again, Charles! Make him stop and take the drummer with him!
You can.
Oh, it's an ad for NZ Post. Didn't they just fire everyone?
- Canvas
