The secret diary of ... Dom Harvey

Dom Harvey: hoped Chrystal could find peace. Photo / Doug Sherring

Monday

I said, "She's gone too far this time!"

Jay-Jay said, "Hahaha!"

I said, "I haven't said anything funny yet."

"You're bound to soon!"

"I can see why you and many others think that, because as co-host of the Morning Madhouse on The Edge radio station, I'm cherished for my zany antics and schoolboy humour. But this is no laughing matter. Dancing With the Stars runner-up Chrystal Chenery has really got my goat. You know how I posted that cheeky screenshot of her crotch on my Twitter account, and we both cracked up laughing?"

"Hahahaha!"

"Yeah. Like that. Anyway, now she's all upset about it."

"Why?"

"How should I know? Maybe it's that time of the month."

"Hahaha!"

"Was that funny?"

"It's the way you tell 'em!"

"Good point. Anyway, I've apologised."

"Smart move. You don't want this to get out of hand."

"I told her, 'Listen, I'm really sorry you're a humourless slag.' But she threw it back in my face!"

"No!"

"Yes. And now she's got lots of people on her side."

"It's PC gone mad!"

"Haters gonna hate," I said.

We sat and brooded on the unfairness of the world, especially its population of raging lesbian feminists and attention-seeking bitches.

Tuesday

I said, "This is exhausting, it really is."

Jay-Jay said, "No wonder! You work tirelessly coming up with ways to entertain people and have some genius ideas that many people in the industry admire and respect, and sometimes envy and copy."

"That's fair, but what I mean is that I'm exhausted by the media scandal that Chrystal has created."

"I hope she can find peace."

"What about me? Why doesn't anyone consider my feelings?"

There was a knock on the door. It was mum. She threw her arms around me, and said, "We'll get through this as a family."

Just then I felt a hand messing my hair, and a voice said, "That's right! As a family!"

It was my brother Daniel. "Love you, mate," he said.

"Love you too, mate," I said.

Then I felt arms all around me. Dozens, then hundreds, then thousands of friends and well-wishers came over to show their support. It meant a lot, and yet I felt lonely inside.

Everyone said, "This'll blow over soon!"

I hope they're right.

Wednesday

An essay defending Chrystal and attacking me appears online at The Spinoff, and attracts more than 10,000 Facebook likes. When will the madness end?

Jay-Jay said, "You are sensitive and caring, and never intend to hurt or upset anyone."

"I know."

"Your main aim in life is to make people laugh. Sometimes you offend people, but so do the best comedians."

"I know."

"You don't like hurting people, and when it happens, you are deeply remorseful. It eats you up!"

I felt so sensitive, caring, hurt, upset and deeply remorseful that I'd damaged my career that I couldn't speak.

"I can't stand by and watch you suffer for your art like this," Jay-Jay said. "I'm seeking professional help."

She made an appointment for tomorrow.

Thursday

I lay down on the couch in the doctor's office, and said, "People make mistakes. I forgive Chrystal, so why can't she just move on?"

She said, "Chrystal's decision to take 'offence' at the tweet is disingenuous, quite out of keeping with the spirit of campy exhibitionism and sublime silliness at play in a show like Dancing With the Stars."

Afterwards, Jay-Jay said, "How was your session with Massey University media studies lecturer, Dr Pansy Duncan?"

I said, "Okay. She called out Chrystal as an attention-seeking bitch. But I really need to talk to someone as famous as I am, and who has survived the curious wars which begin on Twitter."

Jay-Jay said, "I think I know someone who can help. Let me make a few calls."

Friday

She picked up the phone, and said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hi, Taylor, it's Dom Harvey here! Listen. Tell me, how did you get that bitch Minaj off your back?"