The Masked Singer NZ 2022, episode 2: Sesame Street knock-offs and a 'scorned ex-lover'

We all made this face when tonight's masked singer was revealed. Photo / Warner Brothers Discovery

OPINION:

Watching tonight's episode of the Masked Singer feels a bit like being the only one who didn't dress up for a Halloween party with your uni mates.

There are backup dancers in leather shorts, Two Dollar Shop cop costumes and a genuinely awkward run-in with an ex that left me cringing in the corner with my glass of pink wine.

Despite the fact that I want to leave the party early, tonight's episode is only about an hour long. So crack open that bottle of rosé, sit back and we'll get through this together.

We're about to meet six more celebrities in costume tonight. But after last week's unmasking revealed a mayor from Masterton, hopes are not high.

Magic Monster appears and all we can think is it's a knockoff Sesame Street character. Photo / Warner Brothers Discovery

Clinton Randell - or one of his clones - is hosting tonight's episode. The rest of his replicas are likely back at the Warner Brothers Discovery office being programmed for his next TV hosting gigs.

Tonight's special guest on the panel is none other than legendary country singer Tami Neilson. Our celebs must be quaking in their sequins and feathers having to impress her.

But as soon as Blue Penguin steps out onto the stage, I have questions. Why the steampunk costume? Why does it only have one eye? Why is a thumbs-up its go-to dance move? Penguins don't even have thumbs. It's Elsa from Frozen meets a little blue penguin covered in beach trash.

Our panellists have some clues as to just who is behind little blue: James Roque thinks it's Celebrity Treasure Island alum Brynley Stent. Sharyn Casey "forgot to guess" and takes a stab in the dark - "Amanda Billing?"

I guess no matter how few celebrities we have, we'll always have Shorty stars to fall back on.

Meanwhile, Playing Mantis doesn't play well with my phobia of bugs. This dancing insect crinkles onto stage looking like one of those foil baby toys that are supposed to be good for developing the senses. I develop a strong sense of being uncomfortable.

Casey guesses it's Zane Lowe. Surely Lowe is too busy interviewing ... actual celebrities ... for this.

Is it Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords fame? Is it Dr Ashley Bloomfield, asks Neilson. I don't think this is what Bloomers meant when he said he wanted karaoke at his farewell party, guys. And we've seen the evidence: he dances better than that.

Regal Rose arrives on stage sporting the second scariest eyes next to Mantis and is wearing what appears to be a giant applique quilt. How these celebs manage to move in these costumes, let alone breathe, is beyond me.

Roque reckons it's Anna Paquin. Sure, it's every Oscar winner's dream to make an appearance on the Kmart version of the weirdest reality show ever made.

When Sergeant Steak and Cheese appears, the good old Kiwi motto immediately comes to mind: always blow on the pie. Randell, please don't take that literally, there's Covid about. Is it Officer Mike Minogue? Is it Police Commissioner Andrew Coster?

Or, as Casey immediately guesses, is it her "scorned ex-lover" and former co-host on The Edge, comedian Guy Williams? Because she recognises his feet.

We all dream of being serenaded by an ex in a steak and cheese pie costume. Photo / Warner Brothers Discovery

"I knew straight away it was someone who's been in love with me for eight years," she says.

It's moments like these that make me think New Zealand is far too small. It's awkward and I don't like it.

Shaggy Sheepdog is up next, looking like he came straight from Splendour in the Grass in a sparkly singlet, bucket hat and gumboots. Casey reckons it's Mike Hosking. I can tell you for a fact that Mike would never swap his Gucci loafers for gummies, Sharyn.

"Mike could never hit those notes," declares Neilson. Ouch.

Magic Monster arrives with the saddest expression I've ever seen and a costume that screams "we couldn't think of anything else, so we made a knock-off Sesame Street character". At least it has a bit of colour, even if it does make it look like someone threw up their fairy bread at a kids' birthday party.

Panellist Anika Moa reckons the soulful voice behind this mask belongs to Vince Harder or Pene Pati of Sole Mio, while Neilson goes for Teeks.

Oh, if we could turn back time to before this show. Photo / Warner Brothers Discovery

After all that, the verdict is in: Blue Penguin, Sergeant Steak and Cheese and Shaggy Sheepdog are in the bottom three.

The panel decides to unmask Sgt Steak and Cheese, and their final guess is unanimous - Guy Williams. And, of course, it is.

"This is the low point of my career," he says after wrestling off his policeman's hat. Is it, Guy? Not that Leo Molloy interview? Yeah nah, you're right, it's definitely this.

"When Sharyn was talking smack about me, I wanted to go, 'stuff you, Sharyn'," he confesses.

And just when you think it can't get any worse, he starts dancing and singing again.

Except, this time he rips off the rest of the pie costume and they forget to auto-tune him, so we get to hear him belting out Cher's If I Could Turn Back Time. Oh, if only we could.

Welcome to New Zealand today, everybody. There are only five million of us, and we're running out of celebrities.

• The Masked Singer screens on Three on Sundays from 7pm