Quantum of Solace might just be the stupidest movie title of all time, writes Washington Post's Travis M. Andrews. Photo / Supplied
Quantum of Solace might just be the stupidest movie title of all time, writes Washington Post's Travis M. Andrews. Photo / Supplied
The title of the latest James Bond film was announced on Tuesday, sending Twitter into a flurry because it's No Time to Die.
If it sounds an awful lot like other Bond movie titles, that's because it most definitely is. Seriously, a Bond movie title generator could easily be made. Insert a time frame and a verb about death, such as "live", "die" or "kill". Then you'd get Today Only Lives Once, which, if we had told you was a real Bond movie title, you'd definitely have believed us for at least 15 seconds.
With that in mind, we decided to rank the titles of every Bond movie from worst to best. Each title was considered in a vacuum, so this is in no way a ranking of the movies themselves. (That said, there does seem to be a strong correlation between title and film quality.)
25. Quantum of Solace (2008)
Not only is this the stupidest title of a Bond movie, it also might be the stupidest title of any movie that's ever existed, and there exists a movie titled The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain, one called Existenz and another called Santa With Muscles. It's worse than Phffft. This is just a mismatch of lofty sounding, utterly forgettable terms pretending to convey something important.
This would be a pretty great title if it was for a 1940s screwball rom-com starring Spencer Tracy and Rosalind Russell as a pair of night-shift workers who meet on their way home from work and spend the day together in the sunlight for the first time in years, rediscovering life and love. But it's not. It's a Bond movie. So it's terrible.
22. You Only Live Twice (1967)
No, you don't.
Donald Pleasence as Ernst Stavro Blofeld in You Only Live Twice. Photo / Getty Images
21. No Time to Die (2020)
Where to begin? First off, this film has spent its troubled production with the stand-in title Bond 25, which is amusing because this is actually the 27th film to feature a James Bond, except that two of those were made by independent production companies. But that aside, this was a terrible title when it was the name of a Columbo episode in 1992 and when it was the name of a German thriller in 2006 (about a hearse driver in Ghana seeking a wife but finding women are put off by his profession. Really!) and it's no better now. Is Bond a new parent, learning to juggle life and fatherhood? Maybe get a planner, buddy. If you don't have time to die, you probably don't have time to relax — and stress can be a killer!
While it may have been nonsensical, A View to Kill would have been better. That second "a" just throws the whole thing into confusion and can't help but bring to mind A Room with a View, which came out the same year. Is "a kill" just a really weird way of saying "a murder"? As it stands, it just sounds like an online ad for a creepy apartment that'll cost far more than the appropriate 30 percent of your salary.
19. Die Another Day (2002)
Uhh, yo, James ... I thought you didn't have time?
18. Moonraker (1979)
Corinne Dufour and Roger Moore starred together in Moonraker. Photo / Getty Images
One common trope in these titles is to include the name of a bad guy and/or organisation in the movie itself. That works when it's something like Dr. No or Goldfinger, because it generates real questions in the potential audience. Moonraker, on the other hand, just sounds like the Space Force cadet President Donald Trump is going to send to rake the moon's forest floors to prevent forest fires.
17. Thunderball (1965)
The template that Moonraker would later follow. Will Mad Max and James Bond square off in the Thunderdome for a hard-fought match of Thunderball? Because that's what this title makes me think.
16. Spectre (2015)
On one hand, this is a fun title for Bond fans who remember enough about the mythology of the series to remember that SPECTRE is the acronym for SPecial Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion (i.e. a criminal syndicate with a deeply idiotic name). On the other hand, if you don't know that, it's yet another made-up phrase that will wash off your brain like soft water from your skin.
15. GoldenEye (1995)
Pierce Brosnan starred as Bond opposite Izabella Scorupco in 1995's GoldenEye. Photo / Getty Images
Yes, the punctuation makes it sound like an app for turning all your photos sepia or an East Asian fast-casual joint, but it was a welcome return to form, if not a little tired at this point. What's a GoldenEye? Is that a person, or, like, an eye? Spoiler alert: Mostly, it's a video game.
14. The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Now that title there — that's some creepy bad guy stuff. The sense of doom is baked right into the title, promising an enemy who is finally strong enough to overcome our man. Whether the movie delivers on that promise is a whole other question.
13. Skyfall (2012)
It makes you think the sky will metaphorically — or, this being a Bond movie, perhaps literally — fall on 007 after all these years. Because that's what basically happens, it ends up being one of the few titles to actually foreshadow what happens in the movie. That's usually a plus.
12. On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
Perhaps I'm just a sucker for the proper construction of an essay title, but I adore when things begin with "On," especially when it's tongue-in-cheek. So we're gonna get an absurd treatise on the guardians of royal life? We'll have that shaken, not stirred.
11. Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Bruce Glover and Sean Connery in a scene from 1971's Diamonds Are Forever. Photo / Getty Images
Some phrases are just classic. Some just feel like Bond movie titles. This one does both — enough so that Kanye West honoured it all these years later.
Made for a pretty solid movie title, but a killer rock 'n' roll song title. Impossible not to see it and immediately get hit with the urge to bang your head and belt out "When you were youuuuuuuuung and your heart was an open booooooook ..."
9. Goldfinger (1964)
Following the classic Bond trope of naming a movie for the bad guy in it, this would be a much higher-ranked title if it didn't come just two years after Dr. No playing the exact same trick.
8. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Roger Moore as Bond in The Spy Who Loved Me. Photo / Getty Images
This is an objectively great title, even if it brings to mind a bargain-bin John le Carré novel. It's intriguing and even a bit nostalgic, an emotion that fits the Bond brand pretty well. Plus, it set up the great title spoof of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.
7. Casino Royale (2006)
There's a lot to love here, from the promise of opulent set pieces to the knowledge that at least one scene will include Bond drinking martinis and gambling. Bond movies are known for their locales as much as the gadgets he'll inevitably cycle through, but Casino Royale is one of the few titles that explains almost exactly what you're in for.
6. The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
If you don't see this title and immediately need to know who has a golden gun and what's a golden gun for anyway, then you don't like movies.
5. For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Roger Moore in the role of Bond on For Your Eyes Only. Photo / Getty Images
Sure, it's a pretty cheap way to gin up intrigue. But guess what? We all secretly yearn to be special, to be chosen, to be unique. The second-person usage here does just that, and it doesn't hurt that it's just a little sexy, to boot.
In the Bond world, "good" becomes a pretty subjective term. Does Octopussy actually mean anything? Of course not. It's a choose-your-own-imagery kind of a title. But for a movie franchise aimed at 13-year-old boys, damn if it's not intriguingly effective ...
3. From Russia With Love (1963)
This is a title that was as effective in 1963 as it would be today. After all, if we're talking international espionage, then it's safe to say that what comes from Russia doesn't generally induce a side order of love. So the title immediately makes the viewer wonder if this is sarcasm, or is there a Russian hero (or, perhaps, Siberian Bond Girl). Only one way to find out.
2. License to Kill (1989)
Straight to the point. This one is gonna be a banger. What more could you want from an action spy movie?
1. Dr. No (1962)
Sean Connery as Bond in 1962's Dr. No. Photo / Getty Images
The directness and simplicity earns the first Bond movie the No. 1 slot. Immediately, we wonder two things: "Who is Dr. No?" and "What does he say 'no' to, exactly?" The more intellectually curious among us might also wonder if he is a medical doctor, or if he's just one of those folks who get a PhD in Russian literature and call themselves a doctor. What we know for sure: This doctor sounds evil. And that's all you need. A hook. And boom, you've sold a movie ticket.
