SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen tonight's episode of The Bachelorette NZ and want to do so without knowing anything of the foibles of the blokes vying for the affections of Bachelorettes Lesina Nakhid-Schuster and Lily McManus, do not even think about reading on.
Hey, can we steal you for a second? Because The Bachelorette NZ was back on our screens tonight. SINEAD CORCORAN recaps the action.
Good evening and welcome back to another riveting recap of what happened on tonight's episode of The Bachelorette.
We kicked things off with Elliot and Hot Mike returning to the "mansion" (prison) after winning some one-on-one time with the gals (remember, after that boring AF basketball game?)
Elliot, subtle and chic as always, sauntered back into prison with the rose Lily gave him tucked into his hat like a feather, while Hot Mike was absolutely seething that Lesina "forgot" to give him one. An oversight I'm sure.
READ MORE:
• The Bachelorette NZ recap, episode 16: Lesina's brave, Lily kisses Hot Richie, Tavita goes home and Jesse's hysterical
• The Bachelorette NZ recap, episode 17: Quinn goes to hospital, and is Richie the new villain?
• The Bachelorette NZ recap, episode 15: Mike calls Lesina out on her BS and it's so hot
• The Bachelorette NZ episode 14: Pashes, ultimatums and revenge of the hernia
Despite being so flaunty-lala with his rose, Elliot assured the other boys that he wouldn't do any swoopylalas at tonight's cocktail party and "is just here for moral support". (*swoopylala – when you steal one of the girls away for one-on-one time).
And despite the fact that we all absolutely roasted Glenn for attempting to have conversations with both Lesina and Lily before choosing which woman was best suited for him, we are apparently all still very fine with Richie doing the same, because he is very hot you see.
"Yeah so I still haven't decided who I'm going to choose as I've only spent two hours with each," said the aspiring 2020 Bachelor.
Meanwhile Liam, who since last episode has appeared to have promoted himself from company HR and culture manager to Lesina's PA, took it upon himself to assist her usual police interrogation of the boys.
He forced Steve to tell her a secret about him, and we simply were not prepared for what came next.
Steve, who is apparently a complex man of many hidden depths then revealed he used to have green hair at the height of his heavy metal phase – and proceeded to perform a literal screaming rendition of his favourite banger.
After this jarring performance, Lesina understandably fled the room to recover and whisked Unravelling Aaron away for some one-on-one time - during which he generously informed her that he's decided he won't make her throw in her jet-setting international doctor career when they eventually wed.
"Don't worry, you don't have to get a regular 9-5 job just for me," the feminist hero declared bravely.
Things went from bad to worse when Lesina next chose Logan to whisk away for an exclusive powwow and he decided what better way to utilise this opportunity than by ruthlessly negging her.
"Hey, today I found out something else you SUCK at," he strangely told the woman whose affections he's competing to win.
"You're a terrible basketball coach."
Shockingly, Lesina was not super aroused by the neg.
"He starts every conversation with an insult," she said off camera.
"He doesn't have to bring me down to make himself look better – it's quite attacky.
And if you can believe it, things then went from worse to worser still when she took Kumara Farmer Michael away for a chat.
He confessed that despite going on a reality TV show about finding love, he's having an absolute nervy b about having to discuss his feelings on national television.
He then declared that he has however finally decided which of the gals he's going for, and that it's Lucky Lesina – who reacted in a less than ideal but completely understandably way, by scream-laughing in his face.
And things then went from worser still to absolute worstest during her final one-on-one powwow - this time with Hot Mike who, similarly to Richie, appears to mistakenly entered The Bachelorette instead of The Bachelor.
He proceeded to launch into the most incredibly aggressive tirade about how he's entitled to a rose, and I can only assume his sense of entitlement is because he was born hot, he's always been hot and he'll be hot even in the grave.
"I've gotten very used to going into a rose ceremony with a rose, so what's happening?!" he snarled.
"We had one-on-one time and Elliot got a rose from Lily, so where's mine? Everyone's asking me where my rose is? Give me a f***ing rose, I don't want to have to worry about it tonight."
I know, it's unreal. Can you actually imagine doing this as a woman and getting away with it? Hey Siri, play Taylor Swift – The Man.
Meanwhile Lily also had her hands full dealing with unravelling tweens, in particular Terence who had an absolute tant when Lily pashed his nemesis Jesse.
Things came to a head when Jesse sauntered back into the cocktail party with lipstick on his mouth after a sneaky stairwell kiss, and Terence stormed outside in a rage.
"If that's the kind of guy she wants to go for, I'm walking away."
During the rose ceremony, Lesina picked Aaron, Logan, Steve, Mike and Kumara farmer Michael, Lily picked Jesse, Liam, Richie and Terence and sent George home – no surprises there though, I genuinely forgot he was even here and thought he left weeks ago.
The next day (I know, this felt like the longest episode ever and this has taken me about three years to write) the gals whisked Liam and Steve off for a sexy double date at a pool in the countryside.
During the date Liam confided in Lily and said he actually doesn't think it's going to work out between them as he lives in Perth and doesn't want to leave, Steve tried to pash Lesina but she's got The Ick and isn't into it at all – and now get ready for the most hectic Shortland Street Christmas Cliffhanger ever.
Back at the mansion prison, a production assistant storms in and tells the rest of the lads that Steve and Liam aren't coming back to the house. Ever.
What's happened??! Where are they going? Are they okay? Have they been sent home? Has the TV show been cancelled and now I don't have to write these recaps anymore? Truly devastating if so but I'll probably recover. Stay tuned.
Tune in to The Bachelorette NZ again on Sunday night at 7.00pm, and in the meantime subscribe to the official Bachelorette podcast, Can I Steal You For A Second – hosted by yours truly and my wing-woman Anna Henvest. Plus, follow along with us on Instagram for all our behind the scenes vids.
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