Bachelorette narrator Jodie Rimmer on who her favourite bachelor is.
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SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen tonight's episode of The Bachelorette NZ and want to do so without knowing anything of the foibles of the blokes vying for the affections of Bachelorettes Lesina Nakhid-Schuster and Lily McManus, do not even think about reading on.
Just in case you haven't already been convinced the contestants are locked up in their Argentinean apartments unless they're out in the yard on a date - we kicked things off with Lily and Lesina waking up both clad in orange prison jumpsuits. Need I say more? I don't think so.
Coming up next season on Orange Is The New Black. Photo / Supplied
And today the lucky inmate allowed out for the arvo was Quinn. Seeing as he's been pent up in that jail cell since his dirt bike racing date back in what feels like 2003, Lily whisked him away to blow off some steam in a Rage Room - which is basically a room filled with crap from Cash Converters that you're allowed to smash with a baseball bat.
It was as I was watching these kids go absolutely nato on some rusty appliances that it suddenly occurred to me how dangerous an activity this is, as chances of a microwave door or kettle shattering in your face are actually quite high.
A few seconds later, lo and behold Quinn sliced his wee hand open and it was absolutely gushing blood – so while Lily zoomed him off to A&E, the owners of the rage room were probably speed dialing their lawyers pronto because what was originally going to be a great free ad for their business is now an absolute PR crisis.
From now on I will only be accepting dates from men who are willing to chop their hand off for me. Photo / Supplied
After he got stitched up Lily took him out for a beer to stitch him up once more – by asking him to tell her all the things she likes about him, in a roundabout way of getting him to actually tell her more things he likes about her.
Lily, I know you're reading this and just know you're my hero, you conniving snake.
She then yanked a rose out of her sweaty bra strap and gave it to him as a reward for all the compliments and also for being maimed.
Meanwhile, across town Lesina decided to take Richie on a date. Nope, I didn't get my L's mixed up, you heard right. Despite the fact he's been on Team Lily this whole time, and they've already had a light pash - we are now apparently "giving Richie the chance to get to know both gals."
The one where Hot Richie may be trying to tee up a two-for-one, Glenn special. Photo / Supplied
Oh you mean like how Glenn tried to that time, which we absolutely roasted him for? Yes except I can only assume this is a very different situation because Richie is very hot. Let's move on.
As we know the TVNZ activity budget is well and truly depleted by this point, their date is a free walk around Palacio Barolo - a local building inspired by Dante's Divine Comedy with a structure divided into hell, purgatory and heaven (I obviously googled this).
While I personally would have fit right in down on G floor Hell, Lesina and Richie traipsed up to top floor Heaven WHILE HOLDING HANDS and somehow managed to remain sweat-free while the rest of us normal people would have been absolutely saturated.
And despite the fact that he's already kissed Lily's lips, Hot Richie told Lesina that his personal favourite sin is lust because "it's about ripping someone's clothes off with your teeth," - so if we weren't sweaty from the 200 flights of stairs, we sure are now gals.
Hot Richie about to ruin all our lives, you just wait. Photo / Supplied
If that wasn't saucy enough, he then took a selfie of the two of them, while kissing her perfectly sweat-free cheek and telling the camera "If Lesina and I hit it off and sparks fly I'm not going to shut that down."
Guys you just KNOW Richie is the kind of playa who is about to ruin all our lives and we're still going to spend the rest of our lives checking once per minute to see if he's viewed our Instagram story. Stay tuned and pray for Lily, pray for Lesina, pray for me.
Tune in to The Bachelorette NZ again on Sunday night at 7.00pm, and in the meantime subscribe to the official Bachelorette podcast, Can I Steal You For A Second – hosted by yours truly and my wing-woman Anna Henvest. Plus, follow along with us on Instagram for all our behind the scenes vids.
