Sinead and Anna can't stop thinking about Marc getting his bits out on The Bachelorette.
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SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen tonight's episode of The Bachelorette NZ and want to do so without knowing anything of the foibles of the blokes vying for the affections of Bachelorettes Lesina Nakhid-Schuster and Lily McManus, do not even think about reading on.
Oh cool - just when we thought we were finally whittling these lads down to some proper boyfriend contenders, they've only gone and chucked in a truckload more. Fab.
But before we get to that bit, here's what else you missed:
The episode kicked off with Lesina taking a very emotionally fragile Aaron on a single date where they went on a guided walking tour of Argentinian graffiti. Now look, I don't wait to claim TVNZ ran out of activity budget – I'll leave that up to you to decide.
During the tour an utterly strung-out Aaron confessed to Lesina that he's worried he's going to accidentally do something to ruin things between them.
Strangely, he also decided that now was the perfect opportunity to tell her he's falling in love with her and that he's already picked their first dance, wedding song – and instead of just sending her a Spotify link, he proceeds to sing it to her – complete with verses and a chorus.
This was once again a stunning example of how nothing men do is considered batshit crazy unless they are Glenn, obviously.
Can you actually IMAGINE if the gender roles were reversed and Lesina said this to a Aaron? If any woman said this to a man? They'd call the police immediately.
Their single date concluded with "Aaron" (the producers) gifting Lesina one of these graffiti prints, Lesina (the producers) gifting him a rose in return, and Aaron (insane) declaring that this is the second-best day of his life, the first being their impending wedding day. Oh ok.
Meanwhile across crazy town, Lily took Liam on a gelato date.
While they made "4am hangover" icecream, a flavour concoction which could only be compared to when you fill your cup up at Burger King with every single flavoured fizzy drink, Liam proceeded to launch into the most cooked explanation as to why he and his ex broke up.
"I'm a really high achiever, I like to project manage things and I expected a lot from her. I put a lot of pressure on her to be someone she didn't want to be – but she was willing to change to be that person I wanted her to be, which I didn't like."
While to me this sounded like the most gaslighte-y crap I ever heard – I'm not the Bachelorette am I (she says bitterly) - Lily is and she absolutely lapped it up – gifting him a rose she had shoved down her bra for safekeeping.
Later that day the whole gang got taken on a group date to a graveyard. A literal graveyard. Again, is the TVNZ activity budget well and truly exhausted? I'll leave that up to you to decide.
And what better location to introduce five more potential husbands than a cemetery? Sexy and stunning.
First out the gate was nudist Elliott Gilchrist who's back with a sweaty vengence after being sent home by Lesina in episode one.
In an absolute stitch-up, Lesina tried to palm her castoff onto Lily, by claiming that he's "more her type."
"He's really funny, I think you two might get along," she told an aghast-looking Lily – meanwhile Elliot was sweating so heavily that his white shirt went see-through.
Second out the gate was kumara farmer Michael Frood who genuinely looked so utterly bamboozled to be there I'm concerned he may have been completely stoned. He barely said a word to the gals before stumbling off to coma out in a bush somewhere.
Third cab off the rank was a guy called Mac Mataia who wore a jaunty hat which was also absolutely soaked in nervous-sweat.
Sweaty Betty #2. Photo / Supplied
And there's no denying they saved the best two for last. The fourth dude to arrive was an absolute hunk called Richie Boyens. He looked exactly like a sexy local mechanic in a movie about a high-powered strung-out businesswoman (me) who has to go back to her hometown to deal with some sort family crisis, but on the way there her car breaks down and he saves the day and then it starts raining and they have no choice but to seek shelter / have sex in a barn.
And if like, me, you have been desperately hanging out for the hometown visit, meet the dad's episode so we can finally have some adult-aged men on the screen instead of these tweens – Christmas just came early gals.
In walked Mike Bullot, professional sailor, professional snack.
The episode wrapped up with a quick speed dating sesh so the gals could get to know the new dudes – and to be honest neither Lily or Lesina seemed that into any of them, which I'm personally thrilled about because I'd like the last two to return to NZ ASAP.
Tune in to The Bachelorette NZ again on Sunday night at 7.00pm, and in the meantime subscribe to the official Bachelorette podcast, Can I Steal You For A Second – hosted by yours truly and my wing-woman Anna Henvest. Plus, follow along with us on Instagram for all our behind the scenes vids.
