•"Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!" - David Letterman
•"Donald Trump is here tonight. Now I know that he's taken some flak lately. But no one is happier- no one is prouder - to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that's because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter: Like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?" - Barack Obama
•"Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump." - Seth Meyers
•"Donald Trump has dropped to second place in a national poll. On the bright side, he's still polling Number 1 among Germans of the 1930s." - Conan O'Brien
•"The very fact that he's so sensitive about [his fingers] is absolutely hilarious, as is the fact that those notes were apparently written in gold Sharpie, which is so quintessentially Donald Trump: something that gives the passing appearance of wealth, but is really just a cheap tool."- John Oliver
•"Over the weekend, three pages of Donald Trump's 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he declared a $916 million loss from his three Atlantic City casinos. That's right. Donald Trump lost money on casinos. You know what they say, 'The house always loses.'" - Stephen Colbert
•"At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face." - Seth Meyers
•"Miss USA, for example, is owned by Donald Trump - a clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy." - John Oliver
•"Donald Trump tweeted that a Hillary Clinton presidency would be 'four more years of stupidity.' As opposed to a Trump presidency, which would be one year of stupidity followed by three years of war with Mexico." - Conan O'Brien
•"As you know, Trump is being accused of sexual misconduct by a slew of women. Of course, that is a case of 'he said' and 'she said, she said, she said, she said, she said.'" - Jimmy Kimmel
•"You've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. You've disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2." - Lisa Lampanelli
•"Donald Trump was still saying Obama's birth certificate could be fake last year. And I'm not sure the guy who holds fake press conferences, has a fake university, a fake foundation, fake hair, and a fake tan should be the one in charge of deciding what's real." - Seth Meyers after Trump admits that Obama was born in the United States
•"A guy with the worst spray tan in America is attacking me for putting on makeup." - Marco Rubio
•"I say that knowing every time his name is said out loud, he has a shattering orgasm... Donald Trump is America's back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it's become frighteningly bigger, it's no longer wise to ignore it." - John Oliver
•"Is it possible that we've all been groped by Donald J Trump, but just didn't feel it because his tiny baby hands?" - Stephen Colbert
•"This weekend, Donald Trump tried to win over black voters by asking them, 'What the hell do you have to lose?' Coincidentally, that's also the way he proposed to all three of his wives." - Conan O'Brien
•"Donald Trump says he wants to be President and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time you pushed a black family out of their home." - Snoop Dogg
•"You've put up more worthless hotels than an autistic kid playing monopoly." - Lisa Lampanelli
•"The Boston Globe just reported that according to his campaign staff, Donald Trump wouldn't take any vacations as president. I think that's because he has offended so many other countries he can't leave this one." Jimmy Fallon
