Hugh Sundae's weekly blog on series two of Masterchef New Zealand
If I could be a fly on the wall during any aspect of the production of Masterchef New Zealand, it wouldn't be the North Shore mansion they live, cook and bitch in.
It wouldn't be wherever it is the judges deliberate. Deciding such game-changers as, "shall we keep the annoying* vegetarian in for the drama or will people smell a rat?"
No, it would be on-set, when they shoot those hilarious titles.
"So Sam, could you lift up the fish, look at the fish, then pretend you've seen an old friend just off camera?"
"That's great Anthony, but try smiling as you sharpen the knife, you're a debt collector, right?"
"Fiona I'm not sure dropping the onions goes with your lipstick - has anyone got any tomatoes?"
I know, I know. It's all about personalising these people to us.
TVNZ want us to be able to say "did you see when they made Robert eat brains?" Rather than, "did you see when they made that guy who looks like a hairdresser eat brains?"
I have always wondered though, if the contestants get to choose their own activity.
"Sorry Robert, we've got too many people tossing pans already. How about you blow torch this brûlée?"
"Oh right, here we go, you just want to judge me by your carnivore standards."
It's not just the titles (and that dreadful music) that signal the beginning of the next stage of Masterchef.
The team get flash knife-rolls and marvel at living in the house that Facebook billionaire from the social pages is having trouble selling.
Then there is the guest-star pep talk. "Out of the corner of my eye I see someone walking in," Traceylee says.
Matt Preston?! Peter Gordon?! Surely not John Torode?!
No it's some guy called Brett. Never heard of him, but the contestants look pretty star struck.
"I thought I was going to wet my pants," shares Traceylee.
I'm being a bit silly of course. Sure I remember him, he's the guy who co-hosts those commercials with Richard Till.
In the comfort of my lounge, with no pressure or time limit, I always struggle to play along and decide what I'd cook if I was there. I can't imagine how hard it is to actually have to come up with something that quickly, and the pressure gets to Kathleen Te Raki, who picks more than the allowed quota of ingredients.
"Kathleen we've got a pretty serious situation here." Ray McVinnie preaches.
"Seventeen ingredients is what you have. How many are you allowed?" He patronisingly asks as though talking to a two-year-old.
"Thirteen. What do you think should happen?"
Sheesh, I don't know, Ray. Elimination? Would crucifixion satisfy you? Why don't you just fillet her and cook a "Trio Of Kathleen" for next months Cuisine cover story?
In the end she just had a few ingredients confiscated, as per every other time it happens. But the whole incident was reminiscent of last season's beer-gate, when Karyn Fisk was lambasted by Simon Gault for drinking a beer.
It was a dressing down of Mike King proportions, which left Fisk crushed, internet forums outraged, and made Gault appear like perhaps he had a bit much on his plate.
After all, Fisk was only doing what she'd seen Chris Badenoch do on Masterchef Australia. The judges could surely understand that.
Back in the kitchen, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Michael (who revealed he'd dropped out of school for this) was stuffing lamb racks with anchovies, Nadia was creating a broth of chilli, coconut coriander and mint, and Robert was making nachos.
"They never said it had to be five-star dining," he told us, although I think it was himself he was trying to convince.
In the end, aiming low worked out okay for Robert, he was bottom two but scraped through.
Kathleen, who earlier had said goodbye to her breadcrumbs, attempted a lamb roulade with short crust pastry and mint stuffing. I tried a similar dish at Christmas - Beef Wellington - and it was tricky stuff, even using ready-rolled pastry.
There are two moments of truth. During the baking when you shouldn't see juices escape from the pastry, and lastly when you carve and learn if you undercooked, or worse, overcooked the meat.
Neither of those moments worked out for Kathleen. It leaked, and even before carving it looked like a pile of playdoh.
"I have to say it does look a bit grim," said McVinnie. She was the first to go.
On some level that was an injustice, Kathleen attempted something much more impressive than nachos, and she nailed the cauliflower puree. But of course it all comes down to what's on the plate during judging.
At the other end, Cameron Petley did it again and coolly romped (rumped?) through to win the challenge with his lamb rack and peach puree.
Excited as that makes me, I'm nervous. I've seen favourites falter before when they have to cook outside they comfort zone, and I know it's only a matter of time till Cameron comes up with a dud.
I just hope it's not when he's in a vulnerable position during some sort of elimination.
For his efforts, Petley won the advantage of knowing the next challenge - making pasta.
Have you ever made pasta before?" Gault asked Petley.
"Never in my life," he replied.
Uh oh.
Episode 3
Best line: "I would have been happy with sleeping in a tent with a pillow, but this is nice." Cameron Petley.
Worst line: "There's one word I'd like to say to you about presentation - calm down." - Ray McVinnie
Current favourites: Cameron Petley, Michael Lee, Nadia Lim
*Being annoying is not a quality exclusive to vegetarians. This guy just happens to be both.
