Shiv, please drop Tom before it's too late. Photo / HBO
OPINION:
The first realisation I had tuning in to everyone's favourite family drama this week is that I would trust none of the Roy family in a life or death situation.
The second: The height difference between Kendall and Greg is the funniest thing I've ever seen, especially when Kendall is meant to be rescuing his cousin from the depths of a mental breakdown.
And he has plenty of valid reasons to be freaking out: "I'm kind too young to be in Congress so much, you know?"
Yes, Greg, yes you are. So is Mark Zuckerberg, but I digress.
The second instalment of this season found the Roy siblings trying to figure out whether taking down their Dad is worth Kendall inevitably tossing them aside when he claims the CEO crown. Shiv and Roman were quick to entertain his ideas, and Connor soon showed up too for reasons unbeknownst to me.
Roman and Kendall practised the art of a socially distanced lockdown conversation, and I related to it very strongly, especially when Kendall reflected on his experience of his recent betrayals:
"Certain amount of regret, but pretty cleansed."
Like all good business deals, they were hashed out in a child's bedroom. Like all bad business deals, there was nothing in it for the other parties the person wanted to bring on board.
But we all knew nothing was going to happen unless Kendall wanted to actually share the spotlight, and of course, he does not. Blame it on the "relevant doughnuts" probably poisoned by Logan, sure, but the real issue Kendall needs to figure out is how to actually be a considerate sibling.
His business plan: "leapfrog tech" (okay, buddy), push his father out and turn the business into a global information powerhouse.
Throw in a post-Trojan-horse delivery with Stewie (these people have too much money to spend and it sickens me a bit), and Kendall was convinced he could easily take down his Dad. He got way too ahead of himself, clearly.
Shiv consulted Tom and Roman consulted Gerri, and with that Kendall's hope, his ridiculous need for attention was serving a higher purpose diminished faster than the company's value on the stock exchange.
Shifting away from Kendall's really flawed plan, it was Tom that stole the show this week. He's taken to discussing his marriage like a graduate finance consultant and swinging out some rather bizarre threats to Greg.
"You can't just take my love and bank it and then take a view of the love market and see if you want to invest in me," he told Shiv. And at that moment I forgot I was watching Succession and thought I'd landed into a dimension witnessing a finance bro being rejected on a dating app.
Tom's bullying victim Greg took matters into his own hands when his paranoia convinced him that he was going to jail because Kendall hired him a lawyer. His Grandpa hired him his own bizarre legal counsel and I would be lying if I told you I didn't have to look up every second word they were saying in those scenes.
Back to the big boss, Logan somehow convinced Marcia to rejoin him as the matriarch figure of his failing company - and she truly showed up the entire family with her negotiating skills.
The new united front head back to NYC for some quality family time - and Logan made Shiv an offer she could not refuse: President of the company. A made-up title, perhaps. A symbol of Shiv supremacy once and for all? We will have to wait until next week.
The host has been spotted across the Atlantic post-election.