Jenny-May Clarkson has opened up about fighting insecurities and panic attacks. Photo / Supplied.
Jenny-May Clarkson has opened up about fighting insecurities and panic attacks. Photo / Supplied.
Jenny-May Clarkson has moved from being at the top of global netball to fronting the country's highest-rated breakfast TV show - but she has revealed that her career success has not prevented her from feeling like a fraud at times.
Clarkson joined Niva Retimanu and Beatrice Faumuina on the season final of the NZ Herald podcast, Straight Up, to reflect on her long and varied career.
The youngest of six children, Clarkson grew up in Piopio where her parents ran a takeaway shop. She said she loved to have her family's high expectations on her that pushed her to achieve, and she had a determination from an early age that her father used to comment on.
"I used to walk past the shop on my way to school, and I had a real determination about me. I wouldn't even look in the shop to say hi or anything. Obviously, my focus was on something else I was going to school to do.
"I guess I'll never forget that, as it reminds me that even as a young child there was something within me that drove me to want to achieve," she said.
Clarkson went on to play for the Silver Ferns from 1997 to 2002, winning silver at the Commonwealth Games in 2002, before transitioning into broadcasting and newsreading.
Since 2019, Clarkson has been part of TVNZ's Breakfast show, being promoted to co-host alongside John Campbell in 2020.
Jenny-May Clarkson, second from left, has been a part of TVNZ's Breakfast since 2019. Photo / Supplied.
Despite her success and her desire to succeed, Clarkson revealed to Straight Up that she still struggles with self-doubt and feeling like a fraud.
"I still have this real narrative about who I am and that I'm not good enough. It happens to me during the show. In three hours, you have peaks and troughs. And one day this week, I had just troughs, there were no peaks, it was just a very low space."
Clarkson said she has always thrown herself into things, but it has led to a "long-term fight" against doubts and insecurities, wondering whether she is good enough to occupy certain spaces.
"You always have those 'I'm a fraud, why am I here, why am I doing this', and I am trying really hard at this point to change that narrative.
"You think 'oh yeah, she's got it together', but it doesn't mean that there doesn't continue to be that self-doubt and the struggle on a daily on whether I'm a good enough mum, whether I'm a good enough wife, whether I'm a good enough host," she said.
One thing Clarkson wants to see more of is people having conversations with trusted people and opening up about their problems, as she believes there is power in letting go of certain narratives you have about yourself.
She learnt that after experiencing panic attacks live on air while reading the sports news for TVNZ 1.
"I would be fine, and then I'd hear the countdown, and then I couldn't breathe when I was reading the 6pm sports news. I would cough, I'd start an intro and read for 10 seconds until I couldn't breathe and then I'd pretend like I was coughing, and the whole time I was having a panic attack."
Clarkson said they started happening after her eldest brother died from cancer. She thought she coped with her grief as she took comfort in the fact he was no longer in pain, but realised she had not dealt with her own pain at losing him.
"I was able to find some peace within that grief by speaking to someone who could recognise what was going on with me," she said on seeking help for her panic attacks.
On embracing her Māori culture, Clarkson said she started taking full-immersion te reo classes before her twin sons were born, and plans to continue celebrating her culture - despite the occasional pushback from some viewers.
"I'm still walking that of what it means for me to be Māori and trying to be that for my sons, so they don't have to grow up with the same hurt and uncertainty, that they can say 'I'm Pākehā, I'm Māori, I can stand in both worlds, I know exactly who I am, and I'm proud of who I am'.
"I want it to be a better world for them then it was for me growing up."
• Straight Up with Niva and Beatrice iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes come out on Saturday mornings.
