Steve Braunias: The secret diary of...The Black Caps

A host of beleaguered public figures are backing the Black Caps. Photo / Brett Phibbs

Willy Moon: New Zealand. Pours racist hatred on a black woman, gets behind the Black Caps.

David Warner: I met a Maori once. I said to him, "Why don't you speak English?"

Jesse Ryder: I wish the $%**#!! Black Caps all the %^&**#!!! best.

Len Brown: I know I'm not alone in wishing the Black Caps all the best as they prepare to do battle with the "old enemy" across the Tasman at the World Cup final of cricket in Melbourne on Sunday, but as mayor of Auckland I get the distinct impression these days, based on the fact no one talks to me, no one listens to me, and no one remembers my name, that I am, in fact, quite distressingly and entirely alone.

Zayn Malik: I'd just like to say to all of my fans in New Zealand that I love you and I understand why some of you may be upset that I've decided to leave One Direction.

But it's an opportunity for me to grow as a solo artist and I can't wait for you to join me on my adventure.

Please know that you will always be in my thoughts and in my heart.

Good luck to the Black Caps on Sunday!

Jeremy Clarkson: Sacked. Dropped. Let go. Me. Jeremy Clarkson. Top Gear. Legend. Larger than life. Tells it like it is. It is like I tell it.

Grab your coat, they said. Thanks for everything, they said. Get out, they said. Me. Jeremy Clarkson.

Some ponce got in my way. Gave him an earful. End of story. Might have given him a tap. Just a bit of a tap. End of story. But no. He goes snivelling to the police and next thing you know I'm out of a job. PC gone mad.

Me. Shown the door. Thrown off the bus. Never test-drove a bus. Should have. Too late now. End of Jeremy Clarkson.

As for the Black Caps, I hope they give Australia a &*(%!**?!! hiding.

St Bede's College: St Bede's College wishes to remind parents that if their children misbehave while representing the school in public places such as baggage carousels at domestic airports then it is the right of the school to punish the children and it is also the right of their parents to go whining to the High Court, and the whole sorry little saga will provide a dismal backdrop to the week that the Black Caps made the World Cup final.

Zayn Malik: I'd just like to say to all of my fans in Australia that I love you and I understand why some of you may be upset that I've decided to leave One Direction.

But it's an opportunity for me to grow as a solo artist and I can't wait for you to join me on my adventure.

Please know that you will always be in my thoughts and in my heart.

Good luck to the Kangaroos on Sunday!

Cheryl Gwyn: I will be addressing specific complaints that I have received, in accordance with the Inspector-General of Intelligence and Security Act 1996, alleging a programme of covert surveillance by GCSB has established that the Australian cricket team are a bunch of sledging bastards.

I have notified the GCSB's acting director, Una Jagose, of my inquiry and of my intention to provide as much information to the public on my findings as I can, withholding only that information that cannot be disclosed without endangering national security.

However, it turns out the GCSB had nothing to do with it, and that it's simply totally bloody obvious the Australian cricket team are a bunch of sledging bastards.

Mitchell Starc: Go home, Black Caps. You suck.

Russell Crowe: Even though I was born in New Zealand and still have family back there, including one or two cousins, and I've twice been rejected in my application for Australian citizenship, go Australia.

Martin Crowe: Go the Black Caps. I will see you there.