Steve Braunias: The secret diary of ... Into the River

Ted Dawe, author of Into the River. Photo / Jason Oxenham

BOB McCOSKRIE

I called on Dr Don Mathieson, QC, president of the Film and Literature Board of Review.

DON MATHIESON

A nice young man came to visit. He said he was director of Family First.

BOB

I wore loose-fitting clothes, and a tight pair of underpants to restrict movement where the devil lives. I said to him, "We need to talk about Ted."

DON

I said, "Oh yes, I greatly enjoyed watching the television situation comedy Father Ted, although I must say it sailed pretty close to the wind sometimes!"

BOB

I said, "No, I mean Ted Dawe, author of the pornographic manual for young children, Into The River."

DON

I said, "Ah. Yes. The one the intelligentsia and others are calling 'a novel'. As you may be aware, I argued a minority case for an R18 restriction in 2013. The review board imposed an R14 restriction. Disappointing, but what can one do? We live in licentious days."

BOB

I said, "The board's decision was overturned last month, when the censor ruled that the book should be unrestricted. Were you aware of that?"

DON

I said, "Good heavens. No, but thank you for bringing it to my attention. Are you requesting a review?"

BOB

I told him that I was requesting a review.

DON

He told me that he was requesting a review.

BOB

I told him I was in favour of giving the book an R18 restriction.

DON

It was like listening to myself, until he started swearing.

BOB

I said to him, "I've counted the number of times that offensive words appear in Into The River. It's got the c-word nine times, the f-word 17 times and s-h-i-t 16 times."

DON

I told him that as a lawyer, I needed to verify his claims. So I sat down with a copy of the book, read it from cover to cover. I found eight instances of the c-word, and counted s-h-i-t 17 times.

BOB

I pointed out that he had overlooked counting the f-words, and that he'd have to start over again.

DON

I said, "Oh, bother."

BOB

I said, "Yes, well, you've read enough. The point is, I'm requesting a review."

DON

I said to him, "Upon careful consideration of the matter before me, I hereby issue an Interim Restriction Order banning the sale or distribution of this appalling filth. It's debatable, and a matter of independent public interest, whether the censor acted lawfully in overturning the R14 restriction. Would you like a cup of tea?"

BOB

We relaxed with a cup of tea and a biscuit, and he read an entertaining passage from his report to the Anglican Church on the vexed issue of same-sex marriage.

DON

"It is time to speak forthrightly in support of the clear scriptural witness about the sinfulness of homosexual acts. Richard Hays, in his book The Moral Vision of the New Testament, writes: 'Homosexuality is among many tragic signs that we are a broken people, alienated from God's loving purpose.'"

BOB

I thanked him for his time, and he showed me to the door.