Bachelorette Lexie Brown prepares to be romanced by Joe, Bro, Bruce, Goose and Ganja. Photo / Supplied
Bachelorette Lexie Brown prepares to be romanced by Joe, Bro, Bruce, Goose and Ganja. Photo / Supplied
OPINION:
No. No, that's enough; I don't think I can take any more; two episodes of the new season of The Bachelorette have passed by like a punishment, like a whipping, or actually more like a kind of drilling.
Every second spent in the company of the drongos competing forHottie Lexie is to submit to a drill that enters my cerebral cortex, the thin layer that surrounds the brain.
Injury to this tender sheet is linked to depressive disorders, difficulty in decision-making, memory issues, and attention problems.
All these symptoms describe my state of mind after watching The Bachelorette. Imagine what it's doing to the mental health of the viewing public. New Zealand's ambient IQ falls with every episode.
The concept is stale. It's used goods. It's the same old, same old banter, blather and general bullsh*t. Last night's episode, the second in the 2021 series, saw the 14 drongos muck around in the mansion. You can check in any time you want, but you can never leave with your dignity intact.
Their names are something like Joe, Bro, Bruce, Goose and Ganja. They work as roofers, plumbers, builders. The show is a dating site for tradies. But there are a few white-collar types, too – a primary school teacher, a jazz musician (let's hope he gets voted off soon), and someone with the amusing title of "serial entrepreneur".
They all seem like pretty decent fellows with good intentions and upper body strength. Ganja is smokin' hot, Goose is pretty juicy.
Eugenics, the practice of improving the human species by selectively mating people with specific desirable hereditary traits, is at the heart of the show and so is the need to conform to moral and emotional norms. The drongos run the gamut from A to barely B.
Mack, Jack, Josh, Gosh or Django (actually jazz musician Nathan Loo) gets his serenade on. Photo / Supplied
No one stands out – but wait, someone did, in last night's episode, briefly and magnificently, when the show had a flashback to a contestant from last season.
It showed Glenn sucking on a peach. Good old Glenn! He went his own way. He was carnal, he got right down to it. He was a god in the religion of Glenn. The Bachelorette cannot abide an individual, and marched him off in especially cruel circumstances.
The only reason why I sorta care about the Bachelorette NZ is that one of my BOP Rugby Referee teammates is one of the contestants
I think next year the show must be sponsored by a fancy men’s shoe shop if the producer insists on those foot-closeups when the dudes alight at the red carpet. Add fancy socks to that. #BacheloretteNZ
Hottie Lexie contemplated the menu of drongos and wondered which one she was most likely to kiss. "I kind of need the moment?," she said, with her soaring vocal inflection.
Who will it be? Isn't it just a matter of pinning the tail on a drongo? The 2021 gang have trouble making each other out. Two of them said they'd known each other for quite a while. "We're similar in a lot of ways," one remarked, "but different in a lot of ways."
I felt a sudden jab in my cerebral cortex, and then my mind went blank.
