Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of The new Breakfast TV hosts

Rawdon Christie and Nadine Chalmers-Ross. Photo / Norrie Montgomery

RAWDON CHRISTIE

I'd just like to say there is no truth in the rumour that TVNZ are thinking of replacing me as the host of current affairs programme Breakfast.

They certainly haven't said anything to me about it.

I've been leaving messages, and they never reply.

NADINE CHALMERS-ROSS

I'd just like to say there is no truth in the rumour that Breakfast, which I co-host with somebody whose name escapes me, is a current affairs show.

It certainly has weather, and that's kind of like news, because you never know from one day to the next whether it's going to rain - or not! Which makes it hard to know what to wear to work. I find that raincoats clash with shoes. What do you think, viewers?

Sometimes I think back to when I was a really good business reporter but I try not to dwell on that.

ALISON PUGH

I'd just like to point out that I'm currently on maternity leave as co-host of Breakfast, and who am I to say whether that's a crucial factor in the show losing the ratings war to The Paul Henry Show?

My replacement, whose name escapes me, has tried her best. But a recent NZ Herald poll asked 630 people, "Who would you like to see hosting Breakfast?", and she and poor old Rawdon only scored 12 per cent.

I took no pleasure in reading that over a glass of champagne.

JACK TAME

I'd just like to point out I'm far too busy as TVNZ's New York correspondent to listen to rumours that I'm about to replace someone whose name escapes me as the new host of Breakfast, and I haven't noticed that in a recent NZ Herald poll which asked 630 people, "Who would you like to see hosting Breakfast?", myself and Hilary Barry got a whopping 67 per cent approval rating.

Still, the house prices are bound to be cheaper in Auckland than Manhattan.

JOHN KEY

At the end of the day I'd just to pay my respects to the co-hosts of Breakfast, whose names escape me, because they've been very, very good to me over the years, and I've come to regard them as the hardest-hitting current affairs interviewers this side of Dom and Jay-Jay at The Edge.

I understand TVNZ are looking for new hosts of Breakfast. I know someone who'd be great.

MAX KEY

I'd just like to say that I'm available for any kind of shot of fame.

PAUL HENRY

I'd just to like to share with the idiots who run TVNZ a little saying that I'm very, very fond of. "If you sit by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by."

I used to host Breakfast. It rated very, very well. And now look at the pickle it's in, while The Paul Henry Show goes from strength to strength at TV3.

Good luck to whoever they hire to replace the current hosts, whose names escape everybody. They'll need to hire someone pretty bloody spectacular, a household name, someone maybe even a little controversial.

TONY BLAIR

I'd just like to say to Television New Zealand that I'm available.

I'm looking for work, put it that way, and I think I have what it takes. I'm honest, despite what you may have heard in this week's Chilcot report which some interpret as a damning indictment of my decision to send Britain to war in Iraq.

I don't tell lies, so please stop saying I was lying or I had some sort of dishonest or underhand motive, and flat-out lied.

There were no lies, parliament and cabinet were not misled, there was no secret commitment to war, intelligence was not falsified and the decision was made in good faith. PS, I don't tell lies.

And so to Television New Zealand, I say, "I will be with you, whatever".