Steve Braunias' Secret Diary of The Bachelor

Mike Puru, host of The Bachelor. Photo / Supplied

MIKE PURU
Hello New Zealand and welcome to season two of The Bachelor!

I'm your host, Mike Puru, and I'll spend the next few months trapped in a living hell, but it was either this or go back to working the breakfast show on The Edge with Jay Jay and Dom Dom.

Now you'll all remember last season when Art someone or other was the bachelor and he chose Matilda instead of wassername and wassername. Who could forget?

And there were tears of joy as the happy couple walked hand-in-hand to Queenstown where they'll fit right in you'd have to think - no, wait, I'm thinking of the winners of The Block. Different couple. Different reality show. But just as enjoyable and weirdly compelling despite or because of the fact both shows stare into the abyss of human existence - i.e. they're profoundly vacuous but what's wrong with that! Lighten up!

Let's go and meet the 23 bachelorettes competing for the heart of the bachelor. We've housed them in a mansion. Check it out! Cool, yeah? But you might think it's a building site once you get inside, because there's so many short planks!

Oh look here's one of them now.

CERI
Hahahahahaha!

MIKE
Well, you're in a good mood! Nice to see. How are you?

CERI
Hahahaha!

MIKE
I get the feeling you'd laugh at anything.

CERI
Um - hahahaha!

MIKE
Well, you certainly have a positive attitude! I think we can all agree on that.

NAZ
I just don't agree.

MIKE
Why do you say that?

NAZ
Because it's my catchphrase, little man.

MIKE
You seem very rebellious. Even your strange hairdo looks like it's seething with rage. What are you rebelling against?

NAZ
What've you got?

MIKE
Oooh I think we've got a wild one!

LINDSEY
As an American I'm used to talking at length and I just want to leap in here and express my concern that the show is sending negative messages of women as desperate and brainless. In fact many of us are professionals who have trained hard to get where they are today. Did you know I'm a doctor?

MIKE
Well, I bet you'd like to meet our other doctor on The Bachelor. Here he is now - Jordan Mauger, the bachelor himself, aka Dr Love!!!

LINDSEY
Shriek!

JORDAN
Hi everyone. I'm an actor. You might have seen me in a crowd scene in a show no one watched. I was the one with the pensive expression.

I'm looking for love but right now I'm looking for the soap.

MIKE
That's right, ladies! Jordan's going to have a shower - in the nude!

LINDSEY
Shriek!

JORDAN
Shriek!

MIKE
You alright, mate?

JORDAN
There's no hot water.

MIKE
Well, you know how it is. Gone are the days of lavish spending in TV. We've had to cut costs here and there, and hot water's a luxury we can't afford, I'm sorry.

MARK WELDON
Hi everyone! I'm head of Mediaworks, and just thought I'd pop in and see how it was going. All good? Got everything you want? More to the point, has anyone got a secret past which, if revealed, would bring the show into disrepute and threaten the ratings?

There's a lot riding on this and a lot at stake. But it's not just about ratings and money. It's about making quality TV. It's about maintaining high standards for the sake of it.

May I remind you all that I've worked very hard to establish TV3 as a credible brand.

CERI
Hahahahaha!

MARK WELDON
What did I say that was so funny?

CERI
All of it.

JORDAN
Sir?

MARK WELDON
Yes?

JORDAN
Is there a towel?

MARK WELDON
No. But we're in sponsorship talks with a 24-hour coin-operated launderette, and they might be able to throw in a towel.

MIKE
I wish I could throw in the towel. Maybe I should go back to working with Dom. Even he's not as mindless as this.

NAZ
I just don't agree.

MIKE
When you're right, Naz, you're so right. I have a feeling you'll go far.