David Seymour makes a serious arrival on Dancing With the Stars NZ.
David Seymour makes a serious arrival on Dancing With the Stars NZ.
The remaining nobodies were introduced on Monday night, judged by nobodies, and co-hosted by someone whose name might have been Shona, or was it Rhona? Who are all these people? And why are we watching them dance not all that well?
So many mysteries, so much that was inexplicable, baffling, weird, even before the watching nation caught sight of David Seymour.
First up was someone called Roger. Roger wore a fishnet stocking on his torso. The influence of the Village People on New Zealand life remains strong.
We learned that Roger has worked for the past 20 years as a commercial radio morning DJ. God almighty. I was ready to apply maximum prejudice, and dislike everything about him, but in fact he showed an excellent pair of feet in his dance, and was as charming as an imp.
New Zealanders continued to miss out on Zac's personality.
Then there was Zac someone from The Bachelor. It wasn't a great series. Nothing happened. Zac was that nothing. The role calls for a beaming and dazzling lighthouse, a beacon of desire; Zac was more like a torch from the $2 Shop, batteries not included.
"I think New Zealanders missed out on my personality," he droned. He then proceeded to dance the tango. New Zealanders continued to miss out on his personality. He was like a plank of wood roaming around a hardware store. He'd make a lovely coffin.
"That was so much fun," he droned. If that's what he looks like when he's having fun, you don't want to see what he looks like when he's bored stiff.
Still, he had nice teeth, and was very handsome. Judge Rachel said he looked like "the quintessential Kiwi stud". With the next breath, she said he looked like Quasimodo. She had one more breath, and said he looked like a teddy bear. When you add it up, she presented Zac as a horny hairy hunchback.
Naz enjoyed herself so much that she cried afterwards.
Next up was Naz someone, also from The Bachelor, or was it The Block? "I don't think New Zealanders got to see the real me," she said about whichever reality show she was on. She then proceeded to shove her bum in her partner's face.
But that was only during a rehearsal; when she came onstage, dressed in a red two-piece cheerleader outfit, she was terrific, a fresh, lively performer who enjoyed herself so much that she cried afterwards. Naz someone! You're awesome.
And then there was the creature from the Act lagoon. There was an air of expectation when David Seymour had his turn. The expectation was that he was going to really suck.
David Seymour didn't disappoint the expectations of him.
He didn't disappoint. He really sucked, and the judges let have him it. He got the lowest score so far. But actually he pulled off a very dainty Riverdance move with speed and skill; there may be more in the tank from the strangest man in Parliament.
The night, and the opening week, ended with Suzy Cato. There was an air of expectation about her, too, but in her case it was a feeling that she was going to be pretty great. She was pretty great.
Co-host Dai Henwood, who looks like his face is due to explode with the effort of smiling so widely and inanely, came on with Shona or Rhona at the end of the night and reminded viewers that next Monday, one nobody would be voted off the show. So soon. So harsh. So can't wait.
