Steve Braunias: Making sense of the Bachelorette NZ

Lesina Nakhid-Schuster is NZ's first star of The Bachelorette. Photo / TVNZ

COMMENT:

Send in the clones. Two episodes in, The Bachelorette remains stuck in a thick fog of dudes who pretty much all look exactly like each other. Are they brothers? Are they cousins? Or are they – look, you can get away with anything in the age of CGI – actually just the same guy?

The show is a mystery thriller. Which one is which, and which one will get the stunningly beautiful Lesina? There are times when the viewer is on the edge of their seat but like all good dramas, The Bachelorette knows when to slow things down and blunt the edges. This is the entire function and purpose of Art Green.

You know Art. Art and Matilda, that Art. I think I met him once, or was I just talking to a wall? The one-time winner of The Bachelor is a hunk, a hunk, a hunk o' boring love. He roams around the set of The Bachelorette in his role as the wise old owl of romance. He drones: "I'm so excited."

Listen to "Can I Steal You For a Second? Episode one" on Spreaker.

Art stands apart from the other guys. He's found love. The others are looking for it. "I've got room for the right girl," said Clone Quinn. "It's time to find something real," said Clone George.

"What's your sister up to," said Clone Brendon, more or less, and then moaned that if Lesina couldn't take a joke then she wasn't the girl for him, and in passing mentioned that he liked his own space and by the way, he added, he hadn't felt any spark whatsoever yet with Lesina.

He could be playing hard to get. Certainly it seems Lesina is finding it hard to want to get anywhere near him after all his weird little outbursts.

At least he's telling it straight. Clone George confided to the nation, "I haven't told her yet that I'm bisexual." Will he ask her what her brother's up to?

The front-runners for her hand at this early stage are Clone Quinn, Clone Tavita and there was another clone who she said she liked but I can't remember his name, or his face, or anything about him, but I doubt I'm alone in that and every time the clones are left to themselves, sinking beer in The Bachelorette's loveless mansion, it feels as though they're also wondering which one is which. Do they even know who they are when they look in the mirror? They sit there on the couch with dead eyes and awesome bodies and wait for the sweet, sweet moment when Lesina appears, because then they can be with someone who definitely isn't any one of them.

Three clones got the hoof on opening night. That was rough. Another clone gets the hoof tomorrow night. Clone Brendon looks closest to the door but it could be the insufferable Clone Glenn. There's barely enough room in the mansion for his massive ego. Or does he have a sensitive side? The plot, and Art Green, thickens.