The 2018 competition kicks off with performances from Gilda Kirkpatrick, Marama Fox and Samantha Hayes. Video / Three
It was more like dancing with the nobodies, as judged by nobodies, co-hosted by a nobody whose name might have been Sharon, or was it Karen?
But the first episode of the latest season of Dancing with the Stars NZ was quite good cruel fun, and we might have seen our first glance of the winner.
Cruel, because all game shows exist on the principle that defeat is abrupt, humiliating, and public. The axe swung over all the opening seven contestants last night and it may well have brushed up against Marama Fox. She got the lowest score from the judges — 17 — and inspired the kind of comment that no one ought to hear, least of all in front of a watching nation: "You've got to close your legs."
This was from the hanging judge, Rachel someone. Camilla someone-someone — she has a double-barrelled surname — played the judge who just wishes everybody could win and by the way could we all just get along? Julz someone played the judge who has a distant relationship with the brain.
"From the bottom of the South Island to the top of the North Island," he told Fox, "take the direct flight! Keep going! I want to see you back!" But then he gave her a low, low score which wouldn't have got her north of Timaru.
Is her goose cooked? Rather, is her ham carved? Fox hammed it up something wicked every second she was on camera. Still, she was a shy, discreet presence, next to Shav someone. God almighty.
"Damn, girl!", said Julz. "Where do you come from?"
Plainly, she came from the Land of OTT. Everything was loud, overboard, big movements, tiring.
Gilda Kirkpatrick with Shay. Photo / THREE
Her choice of costume created problems for the TV cameras. She wore a catsuit. It was as though the director took one look at it and started screaming at the camera operators: "Pull back! In the name of all that's good and holy, pull back!" And so her dance routine was filmed as though from a great distance. Shav got smaller, and lesser, shrinking until she was a speck. You could barely see her.
More to the point of the exercise, the watching nation could barely see her quite spectacular cleavage.
But she scored a reasonable 20, more than the Fox and her amazing open legs, more than Robert Rakete, more than Gilda Kirkpatrick, more than Chris Harris. Rakete deserved better. He moved well, with lascivious intent. Kirkpatrick deserved less. She barely seemed to move; her partner lugged her around like a suitcase.
Harris' score seemed about right. I'd never heard of him before but gather he played cricket to a very high standard. As a dancer, he played cricket to a very high standard.
Marama Fox with Brad. Photo / Three
Jess someone, "a social media influencer", was luminous, and got the highest score of 23. Sam the Newshub presenter at 6 o'clock — the one who isn't Mike McRoberts — scored only one point less with a beautiful and intimate dance.
"Wow," raved co-host Dai Henwood, the most famous person in the studio. He said wow at everything but when it came to Sam's dance, he actually seemed to mean it. Camilla someone-someone thought she might go all the way. Certainly it was a great start. Go, Sam someone.
THE POINTS
Jess Quinn 23 Samantha Hayes 22 Shavaughn Ruakere 20 Chris Harris 18 Gilda Kirkpatrick 18 Robert Rakete 17 Marama Fox 17
To dance tonight: Naz Khanjani, Suzy Cato, David Seymour, Zac Franich, Roger Farrelly
