Lexie and Art contemplate their life choices. Possibly. Photo / TVNZ
Lexie and Art contemplate their life choices. Possibly. Photo / TVNZ
OPINION:
No, The Bachelorette isn't over yet, even though it's running on empty, going through the gormless motions, slouching hither and yon from one nerveless cocktail party to the next, but it was possible to detect in tonight's episode of the dating series that quite a few contestants are sheddingtheir gooberish skins and evolving into actual human beings.
They have names. They have faces. Some of them have names that I can put to their faces. Alas, poor Zach; just as we were getting to know this aggressive, bristling American with deeply entrenched dimples, Hottie Lexie threw him off the show at a rose ceremony held in one of the darkened cellars of the mansion where the show is set. "I find him really intense?", she said, her rising inflection soaring to the mansion's rafters.
Zach took the rejection well. He glowered, scowled, clenched his dimples. I was hoping he'd take a swing at someone – he looked capable of anything, and those sorts of wild cards never last the distance on The Bachelorette, which confirms the high value New Zealanders place on blandness and conformity. But Zach kept his fists at his side, and said, "It is what it is." Rejection states that it isn't what it isn't and it was sad to see Zach pack.
Pre-Bachelorette Lexie having an adventure somewhere chilly. Photo / Supplied
There are now 12 contestants. "I need you to join me in front of the mansion," commanded the show's host, Art Green. "Right now!" You could tell what was coming: he pulled the same stunt last season, and broke the news that they were all going to Buenos Aires. You've never seen a happier pack of drongos in all your life. Tonight, he broke the news that they were all going to Queenstown. Such is love within the tightly patrolled borders of Covid island.
Just like last season, though, one of the contestants is going to be told they can't come. They did that last year to the aggressive, bristling Glenn. It was cold, man. Glenn was about to get into the minivan on the way to the airport when Art decided to be a total Arthole and tell him he was off the show. Glenn was gutted. He had Argentina in his sights. Anyway, missing out on Queenstown probably isn't going to be quite as devastating.
Who is it going to happen to? Joe the Builder and his mate Hamish the Blogger have nothing to worry about. Both of them like Hottie Lexie, and Hottie the Lexie likes both of them. She's less sure of Vaz ("Is he the guy for me?") and someone I think is called Gaz ("I don't know if he's the guy for me").
As for Chaz and Baz and Spaz, or whatever their names are, who knows? As in, who knows their names, and who can tell them apart? Humanity, and identity, evolves slowly on The Bachelorette.
