ZM's Jay Reeve was also anti-improvement: "There's no point in false advertising. If you, like me, are hung like a fieldmouse, you shouldn't try and disguise the fact. As they say, 'It's not the size of the spell, but the wizard behind the wand'."
The Edge's Dom Harvey agreed. "If a girl thinks you are packing a Pringles' canister, then finds out it is actually only a roll of Mentos, she is going to be most upset. Legally, she may even have grounds to take it to Fair Go or Campbell Live."
Spy could only find two takers. ZM's Paul Flynn was in like ... "Hell yes, anything to bring me closer to a man-sized package would be great. I wasn't terribly blessed in the downstairs department and to make matters worse, my brother-in-law's nickname is 'the Anaconda'."
Nothing Trivial's Will Hall might also be a starter. "That would be ideal. At the moment I tie a sock tightly around the whole package to give it the necessary elevation. I learned this technique off my Cousin Ed, who is one of Australia's top underwear models. It's worked well over the years, only recently I've noticed I don't have any feeling in my left testicle."
So far, so well behaved
England rugby captain Chris Robshaw and Camilla Kerslake. Photo / Norrie Montgomery
English rugby teams have been known to treat New Zealand tours as giant booze-trips - dwarf-throwing, royal scandals and harbour dunks spring to mind. But so far this tour, they've been as impressive off field as on it.
Spy witnessed captain Chris Robshaw and his sexy girlfriend, singer Camilla Kerslake, sharing tea at award-winning Japanese bistro Masu on Wednesday. The pair ate Geisha-style, sipping out of each other's cups and chatting to owner Nic Watt.
And last week Spy enjoyed a few bevvies with a couple of Robshaw's team-mates, Courtney Lawes and Ben Foden, on a Ponsonby Rd bar hop. They were out with Northampton Saints team-mate, Kiwi expat and ex Highlanders player James Wilson.
The charming Foden is the pin-up of the English squad. He has been a regular on the E Channel, thanks to popstar wife Una. She's in girl group the Saturdays, who starred in a reality TV show about themselves. Sadly, Mrs Foden hasn't joined the boys Downunder.
Broods play a private set
Georgia and Calen Nott.
Hot new Kiwi act Broods jetted in to play an exclusive set for music industry VIPs this week. Broods is brother and sister act Georgia, 19 and Caleb Nott, 21. The Nelson-born Aucklanders are Lorde producer Joel Little's next best thing, electro-pop style.
Touching down after a sell-out US tour and supporting Ellie Goulding in Australia, they wowed guests and made Little proud performing new single Mother and Father, which features on their upcoming debut album, for the first time.
Billboard magazine has already dubbed the duo "New Zealand's next pop wonder"; Vogue magazine predicted they would be the "next best thing to come out of New Zealand".
After their private set presented by Telecom and Spotify the pair told Spy they liked the name Broods for its double meaning - family connections and their brooding lyrics.
Caleb says the album will be more upbeat than their self-titled EP Broods, which came out in January, and Georgia says the new tracks still explore feelings.
"There's no real overall theme but our songs describe feelings. In my eyes, that's the best way to keep our music honest and authentic," she said.
There are no popstar antics yet from Broods. Caleb claims fame is "bed at eight or nine o'clock. It's not as glamorous as you'd think. Almost all work and no play when you're touring."
To be with Dotcom
British model Danielle Sharp. Photo / Instagram
Fresh from a credibility victory over John Banks last week, life seems on the up for Kim Dotcom.
Just weeks after wife Mona moved out of the matrimonial home, things have been getting spicy at the Coatesville mansion.
Spy reckons Dotcom was trying to make Mona jealous when he tweeted this week about the visit of a British glamour model: "Making Danielle Sharp happy. She came all the way from Manchester to shoot a music video for my song To be with you."
Sharp, 21, has titillated the British press with numerous soft porn shots that would make fellow glamour model Jordan blush.
But Sharp didn't stay at the Coatesville mansion, instead holing up at an inner-city hotel.
Sharp is among many other lads'-mag models Dotcom likes having in his circle. Spy hears Filipino born Playboy cover girl and sexy actress Juliana Palermo, real name Alvi July Juanico, has been a good friend, keeping his spirits up since Mona left.
But although an invite to the Coatesville mansion seems sought after by politicians and glamour models alike, one big name wasn't biting.
Spy understands the Internet Party backer tried to contact Sir Owen Glenn when he was home last month.
Why was Dotcom keen to catch up - to form a support group for troubled millionaires?
To solicit funding for his alliance with Hone Harawira? We'll never know, as Sir Owen reportedly rebuffed the approach.
"The last person Owen would want to be associated with at the moment is Kim Dotcom," said a friend of Sir Owen's. Ouch.
Sid's new venture
Star Auckland chef Sid Sahrawat's trophy cabinet is bulging, but he's not resting on his laurels.
After taking home Metro's best chef and fine-dining awards and Cuisine's best metropolitan restaurant gong for his work at Sidart, he's set to open his second Auckland restaurant.
The new, as-yet-unnamed venture will join other top nosh outfits in Fort Lane. It will be an updated version of informal Indian cuisine and is set to open by August.
"It's something I've always been very interested in doing, it will be a modern take on traditional recipes with the unique flavours and techniques I use." Yum.
Going global
Remix magazine's Steven Fernandez.
Kiwi-based international features and online editor of Remix magazine Steven Fernandez has become a young favourite among New York and LA's elite celebrity scene.
He is off to the Big Apple this week and has landed exclusive interviews with actresses Emma Roberts - niece of Pretty Woman star Julia Roberts - Kristen Connelly and artists Brooke Candy, Sky Ferrera and Rita Ora. He will also launch Remix's global edition next Tuesday at 1 Oak Bar and Lounge in the West Village with 300 VIP guests, including talent from the magazine plus reps from Vogue, V, Esquires and other media.
