Spring: a time of joyful cleaning

Spring cleaning, as a theory, is a fine idea. The weather starts (allegedly) improving, things start heating up (apparently) and the need to put our houses and gardens in order descends upon the nation like a fine mist of gentle spring rain. It is a happy, productive time in Aotearoa and we all feel better, as a nation, for the experience - except for the hay-fever from all the dust we stir up in the process, of course.

This spring, however, I have been intrigued to learn that the whole concept of spring cleaning has gone a whole step further than simply hanging the rugs out to air and dealing with the mould in the laundry. Apparently, according to the pamphlet that turned up at our house courtesy of a health food store, spring is also the time when I should be spring cleaning myself - inside and out; from top to toe.

The brain is, logically, the place to start. It seems, also logically, that if I sort my brain out, then the rest of the body will fall into line. For a kick off, I need to sweep away any resentful feelings, which are like the cobwebs of the mind, as far as I can make out. Then, once all my resentment has gone, I can concentrate on my sorting out my "attitude of gratitude" - presumably starting with being grateful I'm not resentful any more. By the time I get to mercilessly throwing out the things that no longer fit with my personal vision for joy and success, my mind should be shinier than the shiniest kitchen floor.

Then it will be time for me to turn my attention to the many and various cupboards and closets of my body with a jolly good spring clean-out of the heavy metals, excessive proteins, uric acids, pesticide toxins and general, all-purpose pollution that I have stored away during my winter months of over-consumption. I figure this will be like my own personal inorganic rubbish collection, which has got to be a good thing - even if only to make space for my summer months of over-consumption.

To achieve this level of internal spring cleaning, apparently I need to fast for a week. During this period I will partake of the "joyful abstinence of solid food". I'm not entirely surely when the "joyful" bit of this comes into play (presumably towards the end of the week when the hallucinations kick in) but given that the organic apple I'll be allowed at the end of the week will make my "taste bids dance", it sounds almost appetising, in an abstinent kind of way.

During my week of frenetic internal spring cleaning, all I will be allowed to put into my body are water, nettle tea, fennel tea, green tea, alpine tea, organic vegetable soup, unsweetened organic fruit juice, magnesia laxatives, the occasional enema (for light relief), chlorella, spirulina, barley grass and Himalayan salt.

All I have to do now is figure out a way to add alcohol and meat to that list, and spring-fasting starts to sound like an all-you-can-eat buffet of fun. As an aside - or a behind, to be completely accurate - the pamphlet I got from the health shop is very big on enemas. They particularly recommend the "exciting cleanses with coffee" and the "chamomile tea for a calming effect". Personally, when I read a sentence that includes the words "on your knees and elbows to allow the water flowing from a higher point into your intestine" I am neither excited nor calmed. I am worried and just a little disturbed.

Spring cleaning one's body is, it turns out if you read all the way to the end of the pamphlet like I did, a bit like your actual spring cleaning, in that you start out with the intention of doing one thing (cleaning out the kitchen cupboards, for example) but in the process of doing that one thing, a whole lot of other things come to light (all the drawers need re-lining, the plumbing is shot and the floorboards under the sink are rotting, and so forth).

Thus, with an internal spring clean, not only must the system be cleaned but parasites in the gut must be dealt with, my bile production needs to be encouraged (actual bile, not the bile I got rid of when I cleansed my attitude), my lymphatic system needs stimulation and my immune cells need to be activated.

Gosh, what a lot of things to do. To this end, when I'm next at my health store, I need to stock up on: alpha lipoic acid, cleavers, red clover, milk thistle, dandelion root, burdock, psyllium, chia seed, cascarra, rhubarb root, tongue scrapers and epsom salts to draw out the toxins in a nice hot bath. Oooh, a nice hot bath, that sounds like a good idea. Maybe I'll start with that and get round to the rest next spring - after I've sorted out the kitchen cupboards.