SnapChat: Guy Montgomery

Guy Montgomery: "I really hope my big break hasn't come yet". Photo / Zack DeZon

My first job was... Working in a factory assembling boxes of tourist products. I can't remember where the boxes were going but they had some sort of moisturiser in them made from sheep wool? How the hell do you reduce wool to moisturiser? Sounds like a waste of perfectly good wool to me. Anyway I took the issue up with the anyone who would listen and it did not go well. I was thirteen and they all seemed to think I should worry less about the contents of the moisturiser and more about putting the moisturiser into the boxes.

It taught me… To respect authority. If I gleaned any experience from that job seventeen short years ago it is to unquestioningly and unfailingly respect authority. Don't ask questions, just shut your mouth and put the little pottles full of moisturiser made from wool inside the bigger cardboard boxes.

My big break came… I really hope my big break hasn't come yet. Jesus that'd be bad news if I've already had my big break. Most of the people reading this have no idea who I am. They'll be looking at the picture of me thinking "Why the heck are they asking this guy questions? Who cares what he has to say. Actually... hold on a second, why am I still reading his answers to the questions? Didn't I have stuff to do today? I was just about to head down the store to buy some moisturiser made from wool and now, out of absolutely nowhere, I'm reading a newspaper? They cut down a tree to print this? Jesus that's bleak. Ah well, I'll just see what he says in the next one and get on with it after that."

The last job I quit was… The last job I can vividly remember quitting was at a sushi restaurant in Montreal. I moved there to start a career in comedy and was struggling quite badly, having discovered half the comedy scene is in French, a language I did not and still do not speak (on principle, I have the tools). I also learned you legally have to be able to speak French and English in Montreal to be employed but somehow wrangled a job mixing drinks during lunch service. I was stationed in a small bar at the back of the restaurant where I could practice certain French phrases with the waiters. The only one I can remember is "Creme hydratante la laine" meaning (if memory serves) "wool moisturiser." After learning about a city called Toronto that had a bigger, entirely English based comedy scene I quit my job to zero fanfare and moved the next week.

The most famous person I've ever met is… Honestly? Probably Lorde. It is certainly the last time I remember being star struck which was very humiliating. She walked into the room and I thought "Oh wow, there goes Lorde." And I was talking to someone who I knew was friends with her so I knew I was gonna get an intro and the whole time leading up to the intro all I could think about was what to say when you meet someone? Completely derailed the conversation I was already having which upsets me to this day because as it turns out, one of the people I was talking to was the guy who figured out how to turn wool into moisturiser and he was explaining, in quite explicit detail, exactly how that process works. Lorde seems nice though.

They were… Honestly, I couldn't tell you. The whole thing was a whirlwind but it can't have gone too badly because I don't remember us coming to blows or anything like that. Once my nerves settled down it was honestly like talking to anyone, we covered the regular stuff; What it's like winning a Grammy, what it's like being friends with Taylor Swift, how the hell do they reduce the wool of a sheep to a hydrating balm for your whole face and body?

The best time I've had on stage/set was… Tim Batt and I used to host a podcast called the Worst Idea of All Time where we would watch and review the same movie every week for a year. At the end of a very long year of watching and reviewing Grown Ups 2 fifty-two times we took it upon ourselves to see if we could write the entire script out from memory. We had an honest crack at it and the culmination of our efforts saw us host a live reading of our version of Grown Ups 2 to a sold out crowd in Los Angeles. We had Busy Philips reading as Adam Sandler and a raft of other heroes (including Melanie Lynskey, Baron Vaughn, Kate Micucci) reading parts while Tim and I read the action and direction. It was the most surreal experience of my life. The only blight on the night was that none of these Hollywood types seemed to have any idea how you turn the wool of a sheep into moisturiser.

But the worst was… When I first moved to New York one of the first shows I did was an open mic called the People's Open Mic at a dive bar in Manhattan. It was 3pm on a Sunday afternoon and I paid $5 to do five minutes of material. I watched and waited as a parade of all sorts performed different interpretations of comedy until two hours had passed and it was my turn. I took the stage to and audience of three remaining performers and the host, who was grinning ear to ear at the success of his one man Ponzi scheme. I called the gig a scam, did a joke that was sure would work to absolute silence, mumbled: "I moved from New Zealand for this" and left the stage. The host then came on stage and said, while making direct eye contact with me, "Welcome to New York bitch."

My dream role would be… CEO of a company that turns wool into moisturiser.

Guy Montgomery stars in Vermilion, in cinemas today. He also will be performing his new solo show I Was Part of the Problem Before We Were Talking About It at Bread & Circus - World Buskers Festival in Christchurch from January 11 - 15, 2019.