Six bonkers things I learnt about Napoleon from the movie

Joaquin Phoenix, left, and Sir Ridley Scott at the UK premiere of Napoleon in London. Photo / Scott Garfitt, Invision, AP

Auteur Ridley Scott’s historical epic Napoleon has just charged into cinemas. Led by the Academy Award-winning actor Joaquin Phoneix and his very serious frown, the film is a turbulent love story, a brutal war film and a true cinema spectacle.

If you’re a Napoleon know-nothing like me, it can also be considered a three-hour crash course into the turbulent life and times of the feared military strategist and famed French emperor. Or was that king? Both, maybe? Sorry, that’s one of the many things that’s left a little unclear in the film.

Nevertheless, having now watched Napoleon, I consider myself something of an armchair expert on the man. Like one of his beloved cannonballs, I will now fire the best facts I learnt about him straight at your brain, where they will no doubt blow your mind.

6: He only had one outfit

Throughout his whole life, Napoleon only ever wore one outfit. The man may have been a great strategist but he was a lousy dresser. He put on his blue and white military uniform one day and never took it off. He did accessorise well, sporting a triangular hat cocked at a jaunty angle, which gave the ensemble a little je ne sais quoi.

But whether at work, at dinner, at high society balls or while making sweet love to his wife, he was always wearing his one trusty outfit.

5: He was not bothered about his height. Or lack thereof.

One of the biggest things known about Napoleon is that he was short and this bothered him big time. In the movie, his height never once comes up.

Sure, we see him getting a boost onto his horse a couple of times and he does once stand on a box to get a better look at something but they’re the only height-centric moments. Considering he never misses an opportunity to brood petulantly, if his stature really bugged him we would’ve seen it. I can therefore only conclude that the history books have come up short on this one.

Concerns over Napoleon's height seem to be unfounded, according to Scott's cinematic portrayal. Photo / AP

4: He was not a generous lover

While certainly an enthusiastic lover, he was not what you would call a thoughtful one. And while Scott shows us Napoleon and his wife getting jiggy with it in a variety of romantic and more, shall we say, opportune moments, the great strategist consistently fails to identify the mood of the moment.

Just like his outfit, Napoleon basically found one position and stuck with it his entire life. His technique best resembles the Energizer Bunny holding a jackhammer. Wham, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, I’m going to sleep now ma’am.

3: He loved reading the tabloids

The movie shows us that Napoleon and Josephine were basically the Kim and Kanye of their day. And, just like Kanye, Napoleon couldn’t get enough of the attention. We frequently see him catching up on all the goss by flicking through the tabloid newspapers in which he and his wife often featured. However, these unflattering stories and the mocking caricatures accompanying them would send him into a blind rage. History would look very different if Napoleon was on Twitter back then.

2: He never outgrew the emo teenage poetry phase

In your early teens, you can be forgiven for writing cringe-inducing poetry and love letters to the object of your affection. While the movie doesn’t show us the man’s teen years, we do see him penning countless letters to Josephine. This would be a lovely, touching, romantic gesture from a man constantly at war if only his heartfelt emotions weren’t buried underneath the rubble of his whiny insecurities.

Like his clothes and his lovemaking, Napoleon once again proves to be formulaic. His letters open with a declaration of love, a little about the weather – either too hot or too cold – and then needy questions and accusations about her not writing back to him each day. When his letters are stolen from her bedside table and sold to the press, he is rightly mortified.

1: His mother was also his pimp

Despite his pneumatic efforts, Napoleon and his wife were unable to conceive. This lack of an heir caused him great concern and worry about the future leadership and welfare of France.

Sick of his constant whining and drama over the issue, his dear old mum concocts a cunning plan to discover which of the pair is infertile. It involves hard liquor, a naked, fertile, young woman and a rousing speech about giving her one for the good of the country. Ever the patriot, Napolean begrudgingly complied.

* Napoleon is in cinemas now.