What do you do when one of the best shows you've ever seen is also one that you hate to watch?
This is the dilemma with The Handmaid's Tale. It pains me to watch, purely because it's so horrific. But for all those dark times, there are moments of triumph and defiance which are utterly addictive.
Throughout the first season, this dystopian universe was shrouded in mystery and so intensely focused on June's story that we were a bit sheltered from the bigger picture.
But in the first two episodes of season two, which premiered on Lightbox last night, the world was blown open and we finally got a sense of how everything went down - from the micro aggressions infiltrating every day life, to the full-scale terror attacks, to the background law reforms. And it is terrifying.
The opening scene of episode one makes you regret turning it on, as women are compared to cattle - a commodity to be utilised and traded. The real horror in these opening moments is that we are reminded time and again that there is so much more to fear than death.
When you grow up female-identifying, there comes a certain point where sexual violence stops being a possibility and starts being a likelihood. You're not scared of it in the way you're scared you might one day have a car crash, you're scared of it in the way you'd be scared to drive with your eyes closed. You know you probably won't make it unscathed, and even if you're hurt, everyone will ask why you had your eyes closed in the first place.