Ana Samways has been doing the Sideswipe column for 20 years, with the first one published in the Herald on April 15, 2002. Photo / Michael Craig
There's nothing like a Sideswipe thread; it's like striking oil, gushing with anecdotes for days or even weeks... or until more than one person emails saying they're sick to death of it. Then it stops. - Ana
"On a road trip to Whangamatā, I asked Dad why the roads were so windy? He explained that the roadworkers who made them were paid by the mile, so they made more money if there were lots of corners. For quite a few years, I told all my friends at school this as if it were fact."
"I was told I could sleep on the one electric blanket at my grandparents' house in Waimate... But if I moved once, I'd be electrocuted."
"I told my boyfriend, who was in his early 20s, that the pancreas was where peas and carrots were stored as they were always in vomit even if you hadn't eaten any. I didn't think much more of it until we were out with friends sometime later and he started telling them what the pancreas was for."
"I was in my mid 20s when, after we filled up our car at the petrol station, I said to my partner: 'I'm amazed how much petrol goes in such a small pump, it should be almost empty now'. He burst out laughing... When he was able to talk again he explained that the petrol is not actually in the pump but in underground tanks. I still get teased about it now."
"I didn't know that when you get a mortgage you have to pay interest, until I got one and was horrified and thought it terribly unfair."
"I was 21 and visiting Paris for the first time. I was amazed at the number of bra shops around; the Parisians must be obsessed. After a couple of days it dawned on me. They were restaurants - la brasserie."
Read more: Tales from the back page, Ana Samways on 20 years
"When I was very small, there was a shop near us with a sign that read FURNITURE RECOVERED. For a long time, I thought it was a detective agency that recovered stolen chairs and couches."
"At 33 years old I learned, just two weeks ago, that the messy pavlova pudding is not called Eat-a-mess, but Eton Mess."
"After telling a colleague he looked dis-shelved I was finally corrected as dishevelled. I had always visualised a tipped-over bookcase."
"I learned that the game I knew at intermediate school as 'padda-tennis' is actually a lazy pronunciation of paddle tennis."
"At age 43 I have discovered 'slow as a wet week' is actually 'slow as a wet wig'. (I always wondered what that was, but assumed dampness prevented it being a speedy wig)."
People get called out for their mistakes all the time now but that only ramped up in the last few years. Before that, people could do and say anything they wanted - or send it into Sideswipe. - Ana
"Armstrong Prestige thought this was a good way to advertise an elegant classy car, with a classless slogan in Merivale Mall," writes a reader.
Quick to judge: In February 2017 a reader sent in this picture along with the suggestion the road workers at the State Highway 20A airport project were slacking off (or more generously, having a tea break). Wrong on both counts. According to an NZTA spokesperson, the photo was taken during an evacuation of the project area because of a gas main leak. So they were there, breathing.
Activist John Minto was at an anti-war rally on Customs St, Auckland. Much to the amusement of some of those present, he led a chant, "Willie out now". Fortunately, no one complied. Minto was actually referring to bringing Corporal Willie Apiata, VC, back from his overseas deployment.
Overheard at the ZooMusic gig as the crowd awaited iconic Kiwi musician Don McGlashan and the Seven Sisters to take the stage, a young girl asking her father: "Dad, how long till Don Brash and his sisters are on?"
Trish Winks writes: "My husband and I are still laughing about what our 16-year-old son came up with when the anti-smacking bill was getting press. He is going through that non-communicative phase so we were pleased when he pulled himself away from his internet game to ask about the bill. He seemed very concerned. We were explaining when he interrupted with, 'Oh, it's only about smacking is it?' He thought it was the anti-snacking bill."
A reader from Piha writes in 2007: "A friend of mine is not much of a sports fan. She does love gardening, however, and was at a garden centre in Auckland to buy a few large bags of potting mix. She pushed the trolley out to her car and realised the bags were too heavy for her to lift. She looked around and saw a nice young man walking past. Thinking he worked there she asked him to put the potting mix in her car. He never skipped a beat, and lifted the bags into her boot for her, and took the trolley back to the store. She was just getting into her car when a passerby said: 'Did you get his autograph?' It turned out it was Jonah Lomu who had loaded her car for her!"
A gentle satire on our famous faces, had great uptake from readers who contributed these doppelgangers over the years. - Ana
A reader writes: "I decided that the best motivation to make me lose weight was to photograph myself and be totally appalled then be able to see how wonderful I looked so slender a year later. So, I set the camera up and took photos in my rolled down knickers sideways and front on, very slouchy so the after ones would look fantastic. The next day my son rang to say: 'What the hell are you doing sending me photos of yourself like that?' Somehow, I had attached the file to every other letter that contained attachments that day. The local council, when I sent photos of graffiti on the local bus stop, was just one of many recipients."
A reader writes: "While visiting my aunt (70) she took an interest in my online dating profile on Find Someone. So, we signed her up, wrote an appealing profile and answered the various questions about lifestyle and values: Attitude to money? 'Just say you're financially independent,' I suggest. Yes. Good. Politics? 'I'm centre left,' she says. What was utterly hilarious was when we came to drugs. 'Statins, Thyroxine and Beta-blockers,' she said. 'No Aunty, they want to know your attitude to recreational drugs' *snigger*."
A classic comment from 4-year-old Fox Gill. "Fox was inquiring about death (again). She did not want me (her mum) to die. She also worried about her dad and I said, 'He is in your heart when he isn't here, right?' Then I asked her, 'If I was not physically beside you, where am I? Somewhere I am always?' Fox looked up at me and said: 'In the kitchen?'"
Mel writes: "Just before our departure - for the practical test for my full driver's licence - the instructor asked me to test the horn to make sure it worked. Knowing full well that the horn did not work, I turned my head to the right and let out a vocal 'hooonk'. He replied, unconvinced, 'What was that?' I told him it was my car's horn. He dryly noted that he hoped my driving was better than my honking... I passed, no problem."
Kimberly writes: "My brother is a guide on a well-known NZ glacier and has a penchant for baked beans. One day, while out guiding a group of tourists, my brother let something slip that would best be termed 'silent but violent'. Moments later one of the female tourists paused and carefully sniffed the air before asking my brother what that interesting smell was! The group of tourists stopped to sniff the air deeply and listen to my brother's explanation. With a reddened face he replied 'that would be the glacial mud' then proceeded with details of the mud composition and why it gave off such an aroma as the tourists listened with keen interest."
A reader recalls what happened near her husband's factory. "One of his workmates arrived saying he had found a dead kiwi on the driveway. It was completely flattened and looked like it had been there for some time. They decided they should report it - it was after all a native bird. They were told someone would come, but in the meantime to put it in the freezer. When the man arrived, the kiwi was brought out and the man stared in disbelief at a very squished, very life-like toy."
"I was living in a cottage surrounded by bush," writes Lynda Buhler. "I had my washing on the line and in the evening brought it inside. The next morning, I had a shower and grabbed some clothes out of the laundry basket. When I put on my knickers I felt something cold and thought it was the label, so a quick wiggle and I adjusted myself and finished dressing. I was happily going about my day, every now and again having to adjust this dammed annoying label. Then, in the early evening, I felt something move. I down-troued real fast, in a frenzy to remove my undies. Sitting there quite happily was this huge, flat, brown cockroach!"
Bernadette Murphy was washing the dishes one evening when her pet budgie (who was flying free around the kitchen) misjudged his landing. "He overshot my shoulder and tumbled into the sink of hot soapy water. I fished him out and he sat in his open cage in the living room to dry off. Next minute, to my horror, I noticed he'd hopped out of his cage and, in a halting attempt at flight, fluttered directly into the fire, landing on a piece of wood surrounded by flames! In a quick reflex action I swept my hand behind him and slapped him out of the fire, propelling him at great speed to the other side of the room where he hit the wall with a loud "thwack" and slid to the floor! Amazingly he was okay."
