Sideswipe: October 26: Recycling humans

Sideswipe - ana.samways@nzherald.co.nz·NZ Herald·

25 Oct, 2016 04:00 PM3 mins to read

The recycling humans bin was filled to jammed, forecasting a fresh increase in social housing waiting lists.

In the right company

A man's ludicrously expensive wristwatch has gained him the respect of other total pretentious gits, he has revealed. Sales manager Martin Bishop's 1400 ($2394) highend timepiece has made him more popular with tedious, materialistic men who also enjoy golf. Bishop said: "It's beautifully crafted in chunky, masculine steel with little dials that are hard to see without a magnifying glass but which do important things like telling you the month ... A guy in the office saw it and straightaway he was telling me about his new BMW and how much his house is worth. I expect it'll be my turn to talk about myself next time we get chatting ..." (Via The Daily Mash)

Lift 'close door' button more a placebo

Pressing the "close door" button in a lift is officially pointless. According to the Guardian, as tempting as it is to hammer the "close door" button in a lift when you see your arch-enemy approaching, there's no point. "It's most likely a placebo button, designed to give you the illusion of control and stop you remembering that you're in a metal box dangling from a wire 45 metres in the air."

More mum humour

1. Phone rings, Mum beats you to it. She calls out "Someone on the phone for you". You reach out for the phone. 15 minutes later you are still holding out your hand, while she talks to the person who rang to talk to you.

2. Us: What's for dinner? Mum: Pickled eels' feet.

3. How many of my children does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

No, really. You all have functioning hands, why the hell am I the only one in this house who can replace a damn lightbulb, and load a dishwasher properly and fold a towel and ...

4. Calling Target "Tar-jay" like it's fancy and French. My mother does that, all other mothers I know do it ... Also any retro-style jokes, like pictures of happy smiling women from the 50s with sayings like, "a clean house is the sign of a wasted life".

This has been widely circulated on the web since 2004 and the majority of hoax sites think it's fake and here's why. "A foetus is covered with 3 membranes. And the womb's wall is thick enough to cover the foetus' body parts so it won't be visible from outside. In some cases, an obese woman's layer of fat is so thick that the doctor has difficulty seeing the foetus even through an ultrasound." (Via quora.com)