A Middle-class guide to feeling great about giving to food banks
Want to feel good about yourself without putting yourself out too much? Here, trophy wife Charlotte explains why she’s never felt better since discovering her local food bank: “You are basically Jesus: Keep this to yourself, but you’re likeJesus feeding the 5000. One minute they have no food, then along comes the Messiah and hey presto! A large bag of pasta and some tinned carrots. You don’t have to meet the poor people: I feel I’ve discharged my responsibilities to the poor, so I don’t need to endure their witless, ungrammatical conversations about Love Island or immigration or dog fighting or whatever they talk about.
“You can make the uneducated eat properly for once: I’m weaning the underclass off their diet of canned baked beans with curious little sausages by donating upmarket foods such as quince jelly and wild red salmon.
“It might save your life: I’ve seen enough films about the French Revolution to know the peasants are sympathetic to aristocrats who’ve been nice to them. If there’s a bloody revolution here, I’ll just say: ‘But I donate tinned ham and Weetbix to the food bank!’ and they’ll let me slip away quietly instead of sending me to the guillotine.”
(Via The Daily Mash – it’s satire, you may have heard of it)
Nice of Streetwise to install a couple of chess boards in one of the new pocket parks in Hobsonville Point. Unfortunately, the boards, each secured with 12 rivets to a heavy table, are the wrong way around (a white square always has to be in the bottom right corner).
Shark neglects to bite surfer
A shark off the coast of California’s famed Pacific Grove became interested enough in a surfer to bump into them; however, the fish in question apparently found the surfer the wrong flavour and that’s as far as the interaction went. The shark grazed and bumped the board, throwing the surfer off of it. The surfer paddled to shore uninjured, police said.
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Since its premiere in 1987, the American TV show Unsolved Mysteries has helped locate half of the wanted fugitives it has featured, reunited more than 100 lost loves and freed seven prisoners who were wrongfully convicted. An additional 260+ cases involving murder, missing persons and fraud have also been solved.
