Sideswipe: January 11: Lesser-known duties of our airline pilots

Photo / Supplied

Photo / Supplied

Semi-dry January

A couple from Dannevirke are doing their own version of dry January by only drinking leftover Christmas alcohol. Tom and Wendy Thorpe have agreed to drink less following a more than usually merry festive season, but also that they can hardly be teetotal with all this booze in the house. Wendy said: “How can you be sober when there’s an inch of Bombay Sapphire winking at you? The responsible thing to do is get it drunk. “We over-ordered on Bailey’s, there’s a full litre left, and we’ve got a bottle of champagne, the dregs of six bottles of spirits and four cans of Pal his brother brought over and ignored.

Looking for the best euphemisms

Nick writes: “Had halfway amusing conversation with a mate about our grandmothers, specifically the euphemisms they used for things that were ... simply beyond the pale for those times. My Gran could not bring herself to say lavatory (and God forbid you should say toilet), so instead, it was ‘I’m off to pay a visit to Mrs Murphy” or “excuse me, Mrs Murphy calls”. Dog poo was always referred to as a deposit or calling card, as in “a dog has left its calling card on my lawn, would you please retrieve it, thank you”.

Bad fiction awards

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest calls for entrants to “compose opening sentences to the worst of all possible novels”. This was a dishonourable mention in the Science Fiction category. “Pfandrilys was a classic beauty of her star-faring race, and Brian’s love was immediate, their kisses were magical, if scaly and the alien sex was mind-blowing, and if only Brian had read more exobiology, perhaps he wouldn’t have been surprised that, when all was done, and they lay spent in each other’s arms, she bit his head off. (Thomas Hill, Mountain View, CA).

Spare us the Royals

Michael P of Freemans Bay writes: “A Give-a-little page is being set up for Harry’s alleged “broken necklace”, while anticipation is now growing for Meghan’s new book, “#SpareMeToo”. Both Sussexes are preparing for their induction into the “Snowden/Assange Hall of Fame” in a spectacular at the Hollywood Bowl - where else?”