Sideswipe: April 7: Seagulls can't read, mate

Flubs and word play

1. "My mate calls Gewürztraminer 'gear box trauma' (yes, on purpose) and insulating tape has been 'insulting tape' for many years."

2. "I had a boss who used to mix his metaphors in hilarious ways at his motivational staff meetings. The most memorable was when he told us to 'grab the world by its oysters'!"

3. "I am a teacher and recently a student came up to me to complain that another student was 'ears dropping' on his conversation with a friend."

4. "My lawyer uncle had a client who said he didn't want a witness to give evidence, because the man was 'pre-juiced'."

5. "I drove into a petrol station and asked the young attendant to 'fill up with 91FM please'. When I came back from paying for it I asked him if I'd really said that and he confirmed I had, so we had a laugh at my expense!"

6. "I used to work at a bank in Wellington, and there was a customer who came in frequently to make deposits for a local business. After every deposit, he'd ask for a 'recipe'. For a while I thought he was trying to be funny, but no, he was serious."

7. "For years I have called the microwave in the kitchen 'the cooking telly'."

Tips from the past

History is torture

A Mumsnet user shares concerns: "My daughter has been set her history homework for this week. She has to design a 'new Tudor torture device'. Draw it, label it and explain why it would be more effective than previously known torture devices! Isn't this is a bit unnecessary? They are 11 years old. Do they really need to be encouraged to think of new ways to torture people!?" While most comments felt it was inappropriate and suggested emailing the school, for others it wasn't such a big deal: "Tell her to use her imagination. A rotating feather duster that just tickles the soles of the feet would be a worse fate than water-boarding for me ..."

Might be a knock off