Marital bliss is ...
1. Wife: Is that what you're wearing? Me: I guess not.
2. My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
3. Married sex is like travelling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.
4. Wife: Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie? Me: It's pronounced "quiche".
5. Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.
6. How much do I love my wife? Two full seasons of Riverdale. That's how much.
(Via Twitter)
Most embarrassed moment of your childhood ... Go!
"I was 11 years old and home alone for a few hours. We had a bowl of grapefruit on the bench for my mother's most recent fad diet. I was picking them up, trying to juggle, just messing around, bored. I suddenly had an idea. I got one of my mother's bras, put it on over my skinny chest, and — you guessed it — plopped a pair of grapefruit into the cups.
"Put my top back on and, oh wow, I look FABULOUS! Pretty soon I'm convinced I look completely natural and super-teenaged. I go out on the porch to watch my reflection strut back and forth in the front window. God, I am killing this boob thing.
