Sarah Silverman has opened up about her struggle with depression and anxiety. Photo / Getty Images
Sarah Silverman has opened up about her struggle with depression and anxiety. Photo / Getty Images
Comedienne Sarah Silverman has opened up about her battle with depression, revealing she has been living with the disease since she was a teenager.
Silverman first felt a shift in her mood when she was 13 when she returned from a class trip, during which she had to hide thefact she wet the bed.
"The trip had been miserable," she tells Glamour magazine. "I was, sadly, a bed wetter, and I had Pampers hidden in my sleeping bag - a gigantic and shameful secret to carry. My mum was there to pick me up, and she was taking pictures like a paparazzo. Seeing her made the stress of the last few days hit home, and something shifted inside me.
"It happened as fast as the sun going behind a cloud. You know how you can be fine one moment, and the next it's, 'Oh my God, I f***ing have the flu!' It was like that. Only this flu lasted for three years," she said.
The actress and comedienne said her whole perspective changed.
"I went from being the class clown to not being able to see life in that casual way anymore. I couldn't deal with being with my friends, I didn't go to school for months, and I started having panic attacks.
"People use 'panic attack' very casually out here in Los Angeles, but I don't think most of them really know what it is. Every breath is laboured. You are dying. You are going to die. It's terrifying."
Silverman, who likened depression to feeling desperately homesick, eventually began seeking therapists for help and counselling and taking medication.
After several years on Xanax, Silverman weaned herself of the pills.
"Since then I've lived with depression and learned to control it, or at least to ride the waves as best I can."
Although Silverman feels more confident in dealing with her illness, she still worries it has prevented her from becoming a parent.
"A few years ago, I casually said something in an interview about being afraid to have kids because I might pass depression on to them, but I don't know if I feel that way anymore.
"A part of me is baby crazy. A part of me goes, 'Why not?' And every day I add, "Freeze eggs?", to the end of my to-do list. Then it keeps getting passed on to the next day's list. Maybe I'll adopt."
