KEY POINTS:
Unless they happen to be Angelina Jolie, Salma Hayek or Uma Thurman, most mums would agree the words "sexy" and "mother" are mutually exclusive.
In a world dominated by nappies, running noses, cradle cap, mashed food and endless renditions of The Wheels on the Bus, being or feeling remotely sexy doesn't make the to-do list for most mothers. But perhaps it should.
According to New Zealand-born author Jodie Hedley-Ward, women shouldn't sell themselves or their partners short just because they've had children. Instead of letting themselves go, Hedley-Ward says in her new book, You Sexy Mother, women should view motherhood as an opportunity to put their best foot forward in all areas of their lives.
"It's very easy to fall into that trap of just giving up on yourself and focusing solely on your children when you become a mum because, let's face it, it's a very full-on role. But women need to realise they will get so much more out of their mothering experience if they feel great about how they look and feel and are confident about themselves." It's a lesson the 31-year-old mother of two admits to taking a while to learn herself.
Having held down a high-powered role as a marketing executive and travelling the world with her husband David, she gave it all up to become a stay-at-home mother four years ago when her first child, Lili, was born.
"Even though I loved the idea of being a stay-at-home mum, I was getting to the point where I felt I'd really lost myself and I didn't have any idea about how to embrace this new experience." So, like legions of other 21st century mums, Hedley-Ward went in search of a self-help book to guide her through the transition.
"I went to the bookshop and all I could find were books about how to breastfeed, toilet train and get babies to sleep through the night. There was nothing really about how to become the best mother you could be and enjoy the whole process."
Realising she would have to create her own mothering blueprint she decided to keep a journal and do one thing every day to improve her life - even if it was as simple as picking a flower from the garden and popping it in a vase.
"Basically I was just tired of having 'I'm tired' be the standard response when anyone asked me how I was. Instead of being a wonderful new journey for me, motherhood had become an uphill slog and I kept wondering how I'd gone from being someone who was so enthusiastic and motivated to someone who was almost in survival mode. I just wanted to discover the new, improved me I knew was inside."
Writing a book had always been a goal and after talking with other like-minded mums she came across at swimming pools, playgrounds and coffee groups, Hedley-Ward realised she had her topic. Despite the rather racy title, You Sexy Mother doesn't offer tips to weary mums on how to spice up their sex lives and swing from the chandeliers.
Instead, it's written as a guide to help mums live a vibrant and fulfilled life, whatever their motherhood experience might be. "It's not about lipstick and lingerie, that's for sure," she laughs.
"But women do have a need to feel wanted and desirable and that erodes after motherhood - especially when there is such a huge loss of self for a while." She says the advent of the super-skinny celebrity mum also has a negative impact on the way many mothers view themselves.
"I have yet to meet the woman who has her baby one day and her body immediately goes back to where it was the next. It's amazing what pregnancy does to a woman's body shape and having those images of post pregnancy celebrities looking amazing mere weeks after giving birth really demoralises regular women who don't have access to all the plastic surgeons, nutritionists and personal trainers that celebrities do."
But, she says, women should strive to get themselves back into shape in their own time, not just for aesthetic reasons, but also to help strengthen their relationships and boost energy levels. "When women feel terrible about how they look, the last thing they want is any type of intimacy with their partner and that can really put a strain on a relationship. Rather than how they look, I think most men find their partners attractive if they are happy and confident and positive. By learning how to take care of themselves and to take some 'me' time they can achieve that."
One of her key points is the importance of keeping up a weekly date with your partner, something often overlooked when couples become parents. "That couple time is the first thing to go out the window, but really it's vital when maintaining a happy relationship. A date night offers a chance to reconnect and it doesn't have to be an expensive dinner at a flash restaurant, it might just be sharing a bottle of wine, grabbing a DVD and ordering in a pizza. It's really about making a commitment to spending quality time together."
Her message has struck a chord with plenty of women across the Tasman.
After a piece about You Sexy Mother appeared on the Australian prime time news programme A Current Affair her website crashed under the weight of thousands of emails seeking her advice.
It seems that for quite some time stay-at-home mothers have felt increasingly disaffected. A recent survey conducted by producers on the Oprah Winfrey Show revealed out of the 15,000 women questioned, 85 per cent felt stay-at-home mothers didn't receive the respect they deserve. Hedley-Ward, who grew up in Dunedin as the daughter of a stay-at-home mother, agrees.
"Until now no one has put their hand up to say being a stay-at-home mum is a desirable and worthwhile career choice. It used to be that a mother's role was respected, but it's almost gone the other way now and the emphasis is on getting women back into work as soon as possible.
The only way they [women] seem to be validated is if they are successful in their jobs and in how they look, but surely creating a sanctuary for your loved ones at home, providing nourishing meals and developing happy, interested and healthy children should be seen as a worthy goal. There just aren't enough people out there giving mums a pat on the back for doing a good job and there should be."
Along with relationship advice, the book also advocates goal-setting, simplifying your life and lists tips on how to manage time and get your house in order. There is also a 10-step turnaround plan designed to create an explosive change and get women onto the path of living the lives they want to lead. Some might say all of this self-help business is destined only for the middle class yummy mummy set often found lurking in Ponsonby cafes, but Hedley-Ward believes her approach can apply to everyone.
"I've really tried to write my book with all mums in mind. It's not just aimed at those with a perfect husband and perfect children and a white picket fence. I'm hoping that single mums and those with special needs and those whose finances are stretched will also get a lot out of it."
Hedley-Ward says part of what inspired her to write the book was the fact that her own life hadn't been going according to plan. When she relocated to Australia's Sunshine Coast with her real estate agent husband last year, Hedley-Ward found herself in a foreign country with two small children and not knowing anyone.
"That made me realise it was really the time for me to step up and change my attitude and start living the life I always wanted to." Writing the book came in short bursts when Lili and brother Josh, 18 months, were napping or down for the night.
And now that that she has got her message out, Hedley-Ward is determined to continue motivating other mothers. She has instigated a You Sexy Mother research project with the University of the Sunshine Coast and is frequently asked to speak to groups of women and provide one-on-one mentoring. A sequel is in the pipeline.
"A lot of women see children as road blocks, stopping them from doing the things they have always wanted to do in life, but for me they are my greatest motivator. I'd always wanted to write and I realised that my not doing so until that point had nothing to do with them and more to do with my lack of drive. So, instead of lumping down in front of the TV every night, I wrote. To me, being a good mother is all about leading by example and showing your children it is possible to follow your dreams and create the life you want."
Jodie hedley-ward's tips on how to become a sexy mother
1 Live in the moment. A lot of mums are waiting for their old life to come back rather than savouring the new one they have. It's a bit like the pair of old jeans theory, they hang around waiting in the closet until you are at the stage where you can fit them again. Why not just go out and buy a fabulous new pair and look great in those instead.
2 You are not your children. A lot of mums see their only validation as their children. Remember their successes are their success and their failures are their failures, the best thing you can do as a mum is be a strong, happy and inspired role model.
3 Recharge your batteries. Remember to include some "me" time in your day. Something as simple as having a bath, reading a book or wandering around the garden on your own will help you reconnect with yourself.
4 Bad times are not always bad. We learn more from the times when our life is not going to plan than we do when it is just ticking along nicely. Embrace those stages and moments in your life when you it is all crashing down around you and recognise them for what they truly are - a chance to redesign and improve your life.
