KEY POINTS:
TimeOut writers find the highlights - the good, bad and ugly - of the small screen year that was.
Cha-cha, cha-cha-thunk!
Dancing with the Stars
Who won Dancing with the Stars? Can't remember. And who cares? This second series was all about Rodney, a man, we wrote at the time, with two right feet. Two Right feet perhaps?
We didn't want to watch this. We watched it the way we used to watch the Daleks when we were kids: from behind the couch, peeking and shrieking at the horror of it all.
There have been no moments of pure telly horror like this since The Office, and those Daleks.
Like David Brent, Rodney has become entertainer first, politician second. That crestfallen spaniel-look he got when the scores came in is Brent's in the rare moments when he let himself realise nobody really liked him. He couldn't dance either.
That's what we wrote then, and really, we still haven't got over this spectacle. We probably never will. Unless, of course, Don Brash turns up on next year's Dancing with the, er, Stars. - MH
Coro cameos wizard!
Coronation Street
There was a wedding, of sorts. There is always a wedding of sorts. But anything involving Les and Cilla was always going to involve a farce.
It was a sham wedding designed to get presents. But the real Status Quo came and played _ and ate all the food. Les then smashed up the presents thus proving that he was more bad old rocker than those bad old rockers, Status Quo.
Sir Ian McKellen turned up on the street as a quite obvious fraudster of an author, Mel Hutchwright, whose best-known work was Hard Grinding.
He wore a corduroy jacket and spoke like a bad Shakespearean actor. That was a highlight of the Coro year in which, as always, we who have a bigger commitment than Les and Cilla, were sorely tested.
But at these eccentric moments we forgive almost all. Except Gail and Sally and those tedious new Baldwins and ... no, really, it's excellent stuff especially when it involves the obnoxious Norris, aka the best old biddy on the street. - MH
Like a shot in the gut!
The Sopranos
Some diehard fans celebrated the start of the sixth season by eating Tony's favourite snack, cannolli, then ended up wishing the TV2 programmers would swim with the fishes when they pulled the series four episodes short of the finale. #$%&!!!!!
Their reasoning - it would be better to play the four eps in front of the final 12 next year - made no sense but that's the way of the mob at TVNZ.
But the episodes we did see provided great drama, and comedy. Tony and Carmela discovered sushi, Tony piled on the pounds, Uncle Junior went mad and shot Tony in the gut, Johnny Sack continued his loathsome rule from prison, and Christopher pursued his Hollywood dream, to make a movie masterpiece - Saw meets Godfather 2.
Christopher and Little Carmine's coke and booze-fuelled storming of Hollywood, with unfortunate encounters with Ben Kingsley and Lauren Bacall, was an inspired marriage of writing and acting.
As was the Vito-is-gay storyline. He had to flee ... to a parody of queer heaven, a dinky little town with lots of antique shops.
And post-recovery, Tony confessed to Dr Melfi he was bored. True, every day was a gift. But why always a pair of socks? - LH
Hoon-arific!
Outrageous Fortune
Now here's a phenomenon. A grown-up New Zealand drama series packed full of convincing characters, consistently interesting and surprising storylines, and a pleasing blend of drama, dirt and humour.
It's hard to pick which OF character is the most outstanding - they're all at the top of their game.
But top marks to Robyn Malcolm, for her Hoochie Mama portrayal of the conflicted West matriarch; Antony Starr, for his double act as lawyer Jethro and thick but kind westie Van; Antonia Prebble, as clever little minx Loretta; Brian Sergent, as the creepy Eric; and Tammy Davis as good mate Munter.
Frank Whitten deserves a huge bow for Grandpa, and let's also salute Sparky, Aurora, Pascalle, Tracy Hong and Wolf, finally rid of that home detention ankle bracelet.
But Wayne Judd? He's a cop. Don't go there ...
Of the many highlights of this season: Tracy's kidnapping; Van's rescue of Aurora from the Headhunters; Sparky's religious conversion; Grandpa's safecracking of the family oven; Pascalle's goal of becoming a reconstructed virgin; wily Wolf's disappearance; Jethro's revelation he's only a lawyer so he can crack the system from the inside; and the other Loretta who made a short film about child sex abuse. Roll on series three. - LH
To Beeb or not to Beeb!
Rome and The BBC Shakespeare Adaptations
The Sopranos meets swords'n'sandals epic, Rome was supposed to be the next big new (ancient) thing. The BBC-HBO co-production had it all, really: full-frontal nudity, crucifixions and floggings, graphic gore - and that wasn't including the sex scenes.
The script was clunky; the characters too numerous to be properly fleshed out (but what the hell when you can just show all that naked flesh?) It was a bit overblown but it looked amazing; just the way an epic should, really.
The BBC did Shakespeare this year and that's as tough a call as making ancient Rome fresh. Macbeth as celebrity chef didn't quite come off. But we've seen Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen and that is a hard act for any other Scottish prince to follow.
But the Taming of the Shrew, as bravely up-to-date as it could have been, was a triumph. Kate the shrew was made a politician who was getting married because it would help her bid to become leader of the opposition. In Petruchio she really did meet her opposition.
A sample of how to make modern Shakespeare modern: The day-is-night, the-moon-is-the-sun scene. "How brightly shines the moon," says Petruchio. "That's the sun, you idiot," says Kate.
Petruchio: "You shouldn't contradict me."
Kate: "You shouldn't talk bollocks."
That would have made Shakespeare proud. - MH
We have ignition!
A car bomb on Shortland Street
It was the episode that seemed it would end like so many before: two female characters hurling insults at each other over a man they both loved.
Instead, the credits rolled a few shocking moments after Huia, fresh from getting an earful from Sarah, hopped into a Jaguar, turned the key and blew up.
The ensuing scene looked less like our national soap and more like a report on Baghdad: the injured lying bloodied in the carpark, some of them with bits of car sticking out of them, others howling in pain. Could it really have been a car bomb on the Street?
Yes - terrorism wasn't just confined to the news. The drama wasn't confined to the screen, either. Nicola Kawana, who played Huia, made it clear she wasn't happy about being dumped from the show, and reportedly failed to show up to shoot crucial scenes. That's explosive television. - RBy
Sitcom survival shock!
My Name Is Earl and Extras
Is there still hope for the sitcom? My Name is Earl and Extras proves that there is, just.
We liked Earl. He is such a loser. But he's a loser trying to make up for all the shitty, loser-ish things he did in a past life when he was a bad loser guy. Now he's a nice loser.
This is a modern-day redemption story which proves that dumb guys can make good. Well, within limits. Sure it can be cheesy, it has to be: it has a moral. But it can be funny too, in a duh, dumb, what-can-go-wrong-will sort of way.
Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant followed up The Office with Extras, the equivalent of the difficult second album. It was hard to stop thinking about Gervais' character Andy as a re-drawing of David Brent and the success of the episodes depended quite a lot on how well the celebs played themselves as arseholes.
But the scenes involving Gervais putting his foot in his mouth and attempting to get it out were as good as anything Brent was given to do.
The Kate Winslet episode where Andy pretends to be Catholic to impress a girl and ends up at a Bible study group was brilliantly excruciating.
And the Samuel L. Jackson one where Maggie confuses him with Laurence Fishburne? As hard to watch as Rodney (see above.) - MH
News you can lose!
One News
She's blonde with quizzical eyebrows, he's brunette with an authoritative jaw _ they should have been a telly match made in heaven. But for Wendy Petrie and Simon Dallow, living up to the mother of the nation was no easy task.
The faces of TV One may have won over most of the news-watching nation but in Auckland, they struggled to compete with Hils'n'Mike.
Not helping matters was their starring role on billboards around the city, asking the journalism.101 no-no, the closed question, and Dallow querying on his radio slot the opinion-poll-powered marketing campaign and saying he was "tired of it all".
What with Susan Wood announcing her resignation for health reasons, and industrial strikes interrupting scheduling, it seemed TVNZ were as much a part of the news this year as those behind it. Which is a bit like last year, really. - RBy
Couch potato menu!
The glut of eat and don't eat shows
Honey, We're Killing the Kids or Jamie's Kitchen? You Are What You Eat or Kai Time on the Road? The Biggest Loser or Taste New Zealand?
As dietitians and chefs battled it out for ratings, chances are you got mixed messages each time you hit the remote.
We're obviously a nation obsessed with food, whether the host is describing it as "rich and comforting" or "fatty and artery-clogging".
We must also be obsessed with the before-and-after process, whether it's the gradual disappearance of love handles or the browning of cheese on a pizza.
Either way, the plethora of food-related telly made for a nutritionally and tastebud-confusing 12 months.
One minute you're drinking broccoli smoothies for breakfast, the next, you're whipping cream for the shortcake.
There was only one way to deal with this food-related onslaught: to watch in moderation. - RBy
Everybody scream!
Rockstar Supernova and America's Next Top Model
It was a great year for guilty pleasure reality contests on the box. Rockstar Supernova was, come on, let's hear it, "AWE-SOME".
It didn't matter if you were spewing at the preened and pompous Dave Navarro, ogling Brooke Burke, or cheering for your favourite wannabe rock star, it was great TV. It was AWE-SOME TV.
During the final show Australian Toby Rand was shocked to be booted out which left scary lady Dilana and cocky Canadian Lukas Rossi.
Of course Lukas won and he was so calm it was obvious he expected to win. With eyeliner and an ego like that he makes the perfect frontman. Shame about Supernova's debut album.
Meanwhile, over at America's Next Top Model, fans were still willing to give up the first part of their Friday nights to watch the show even though it was series six (which ended last week).
We had the pleasure of meeting bitchy and conniving Jade - her bolshy attitude and ability to make fellow contestants cry meant she was prime talent. But Jade didn't win.
Huh. Pack your bags and go. - SK
- MH: Michele Hewitson, LH: Linda Herrick, RBy: Rebecca Barry, SK: Scott Kara
