KEY POINTS:
While the Wellington Lions swept through Eden Park on Saturday night causing a flaying far worse than anything Ike or Gustav lashed out, a few of us were taking comfort in one of the stadium's corporate boxes sharing a few laughs and a few bevvies - and a
few ciggies.
The culprit leading the fagging cause was none other than NewstalkZB stalwart Paul Holmes who puffed up on the balcony of the private box and unintentionally created quite the brouhaha.
Unintentionally, because Holmesy swears he didn't know the stadium was smoke free. To be fair to him, I don't recall seeing any signs, but in these PC days, I guess you just presume any public place is an ash-free arena.
So, Holmesy lit up, sharing his smokes with The Little China Girl and The Travel Writer, and lo and behold, it set off a tirade of abuse from the neighbourhood! Who'd have thought?
The main complainant, two corporate suites down, whose upturned nose was sniffing intently like a basset hound drug dog, became so incensed with the whiffs of tobacco fumigating the space - not his; ours - he spewed forth a torrent of words - if only someone could hear him. We couldn't, and our immediate neighbours, who were wedged in like neutral Switzerland, weren't prepared to join the Fun-Free Police... until they were invaded.
The cigarette whingers, having failed to draw our serious attention to their hurls of abuse about flouting the rules, invited themselves round to the neighbours' corporate box so they could get one step closer to Holmesy and give him a piece of their mind.
Hey fellas, it was just a quick ciggie break during the game (which let's be honest, was utterly boring unless you were a Wellington fan). Anyone would have thought by the heavy-handed reactions that followed, Holmesy was unleashing killer toxic fumes that would destroy the environment. He had one cigarette!
But it didn't stop there. The whingers must have complained to the authorities, because before China Girl could say "whose got the lighter?" not one, but two officious Eden Park uniforms marched into our corporate box to put a swift end to the smoking shenanigans and threaten Holmesy with an eviction and a hefty fine.
Brilliant, I selfishly thought, that'll be in the Herald on Sunday. Holmesy getting evicted for blowing smoke - hell, where are the bossy bureaucrats every morning when Holmesy is on air?!
Thankfully the more commonsense amongst us, namely the Media Man who played host, stepped in to calm the situation down and placate the authorities. No more smoking, he promised. The Social Mummy and all-round authority flouter wasn't so pleased, however. It's a free state, she tried to explain, unsuccessfully. But the reality is the price of freedom for smokers these days means a making major sacrifice - moving outside the venue to light up. Isn't that an eviction of sorts?
Rachel Glucina
