Greg Boyed. Photo/supplied
Another month, another collection of quotable quotes, mental mutterings, incredible insights, and possible wacky t-shirt slogans. But can you guess who said the following?
1. "The next whore I catch in your bed I'll hang."
2. "This is not some bunny that I pulled out of a hat."
3. "This for a f**k. Seven minutes should do it."
4. "What a knob."
5. "What are you laughing at, Jolly green jizz-face?"
6. "That's cobblers, the person who ended the cold war was Gorbachev."
7. "She does have chlamydia."
8. "People moving in and out of offices doesn't help us."
9. "There is a day of reckoning coming."
10. "Hey, Clint - are we pleased?"
Answers:
1. "The next whore I catch in your bed I'll hang."
In no way am I implying this was said by Conservative Party leader Colin Craig, although Game of Thrones actor Charles Dance sure does have a conservative vibe about him as Twyin Lannister. (Not so much when he reads 50 Shades Of Grey) He said these words to his son, the dwarf, or "stump" as he sometimes calls him. It wasn't the best line of the new series so far. That would have to be: "Once the cow's been milked there's no squirting the cream back up her udders," from new season character Lady Olenna (Diana Rigg) who's fast becoming the show's answer to Downton's Dowager.
2. "This is not some bunny that I pulled out of a hat."
John Key was far from relaxed as pesky journos kept asking about the appointment of the chief of the spy agency GCSB. After initially saying that he vaguely knew the man in question - Ian Fletcher, it turns out that not only is he an old family friend but Key met him for breakfast shortly before his appointment.
3. "This for a f**k. Seven minutes should do it."
Jane Campion really does have a way with words especially when sexual politics are involved. This scene from Top of the Lake had one of the women (played by the Genevieve Lemon) from the container-cult walking into a dim southern public bar and plonking cash on the counter. At first, the all male cliental look shocked by the offer but slowly several men started to rise from their seats. The lucky winner was taken to a room and told that he had to get it done with seven minutes or she was likely to become obsessed with him.
4. "What a knob."
This was Seven Sharp's increasingly grumpy Greg Boyed referring to hip hop legend LL Cool J. "You know that L.L stands for Ladies Love, don't you?" grumped Greg, seemingly perplexed by the rapper's use of exaggeration and humour. Later in the week he became the first person under 80 to use the words "dark-person handshake" while describing a non-regulation hand greeting between co-host Jessie Mulligan and Gordon Ramsay.
5. "What are you laughing at jolly green jizz-face?"
Said Alison Mau to Greg Boyed? Sadly not. This was in fact the Vice President (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) talking to White House staffer Jonah (Timothy Simons) on the new series of VEEP, now running on Soho.
6. "That's cobblers, the person who ended the cold war was Gorbachev."
Finally, amongst all the post Thatcher coverage someone wasn't repeating the lazy mantra - "Thatcher ended the cold war." (I missed the joker's name as I came in half way through the doco but he looked like an old Labourite who was partial to the sherry.) Gorbachev, he pointed out, did things "Thatcher would never have done, like calling a unilateral halt to nuclear testing."
7. "She does have chlamydia."
Said Rebel Wilson about the Koala puppet that helped her present the MTV Movie Awards. She had a camera hidden in the puppet and created some memorable moments via a 'crotch cam', and like Seth McFarlane at the Oscars she even had a gag for the teenage star of Beasts of The Southern Wild: "Do you know what they call drinking at 9 in Australia? A late start." The Bridesmaids star was on fire - introducing Peter Dinklage from Game of Thrones she renamed the show "Dragons and Titties."
8. "People moving in and out of offices doesn't help us"
Said a 'man on the street' in Bamiyan Provence, Afghanistan, when asked what he thought of the achievements of New Zealand's Provincial Reconstruction Team (PRT). This was on Kay Ellmers and Annie Goldson's revealing and sobering doco He Toki Huna. New Zealand in Afghanistan.
The film, which screened on Maori TV on ANZAC eve, looked at the 10 years of NZ involvement in a war that's been sold to us largely as a school-building exercise. They actually found a student who went to a school we built - he reckons it's falling down. We are also shown a half built wall of some sort, the intention clearly being to tell us that the whole thing has been a waste of time and possibly worse. Another villager suggested that if New Zealand really wanted to help we should have sent the $300 million we spent over the decade as aid, rather than on guns and soldiers, and body bags. After watching the film, you're inclined to agree.
Independent kiwi journalist Jon Stephenson, a respected veteran of the war, is shown in action, talking to locals and asking the sorts of questions that make the government nervous. The most telling passage takes us from file footage of Helen Clark telling us that Osama Bin Laden was the reason we were going to war, followed by Stephenson observing that, "Ironically the day that our special forces arrived was the day that Osama and his cohorts crossed the border into Pakistan."
9. "There is a day of reckoning coming."
Winston Peters predicts hellfire and brimstone, or at least an electoral backlash, for the MPs foolish enough to back gay marriage. In other words he's giving his fans exactly what they want.
10. "Hey, Clint - are we pleased?"
The Green Party's young turk, Gareth Hughes, stops mid-interview to ask his spin-doctor, Clint, if he should officially say how pleased he is that the Labour/Green offensive on power prices has so effectively shafted the government. No doubt conscious that mom and pop investors might be feeling pissed off at the move, not to mention the hundreds of millions of taxpayer cash that may have gone west, Gareth was wise to supress a fist pump.
Obviously he thought the friendly journalist would leave out the aside to his spin-doctor, and obviously he was wrong. (Even though it was Patrick Gower who fronted the report, the interview was actually conducted by Tova O'Brien.) You can read Gower's defence of the move to include the 'out-take' here. Like LL Cool J, Gower is also a gifted practitioner of exaggeration and humour, describing the gaff thus: "It busted spin, in fact, it blew the spin apart." A golden TV moment that is sure to become a teaching tool for aspiring politicians for generations to come.
Robyn Malcolm's acclaimed TV drama is to air in the UK.