Paul Casserly: TV's Best Quotes - The Ides of March

Kim Dotcom spoke to Q&A this week

What to say about March? Historically it was a bad month for Roman leaders. I think the Caesar salad was invented this month when Julius was julienned and sprinkled with anchovies.

Ok, so my ancient history is a little rusty but I do know the important stuff. March 2014 marked the 10th anniversary of Maori Television. Not unlike Kiwi Bank, the channel faced all sorts of obstacles and ideological bad vibes on its road to existence. The bank set off the alarm marked 'socialism', the channel, the one that said 'separatism.'

Now imagine our lives without either? If your main source of viewing is via free-to-air, that doesn't bear thinking about. Of course Maori TV should by all rights be celebrating its 50th birthday, but we are slow learners in this country.

It has also become, since the axing of TVNZ 6 and 7 a sort of default Public Broadcaster as well as promoter of Te Reo. It's also breathed fresh air into the lungs of current affairs, thanks to shows like Native Affairs, and it has turned out a raft of brilliant original TV like the groundbreaking Songs from The Inside.

Optimism is also to be found in the fact that local dramady is surviving despite the rugged road to ratings. TV2's Step Dave has found and kept a loyal audience and stayed the course in a primetime slot, something that even Australian and American imports struggle with these days.

Not that there aren't reasons to grit the teeth and kick the cat. Mike Hosking's sermons from the Seven Sharp pulpit come to mind, as does the Tao of Paul Henry. Most frightening of all, the times I find myself in agreement with these smug-casters. In any case, the usual amount of twaddle, piffle and inspired babbling has taken place on the box.

The Questions. Who said these?

1. "Did nana really want me aborted?"

2. "I'm being manipulized."

3. "How does this work? Did you send Ambassador Rodman to North Korea on your behalf?"

4. "Ladies and Tangata whenua, avert your eyes."

5. "It is so refreshing to work with someone who will throw a saddle on a gift horse rather than look it in the mouth."

6. "I've got the keys to my brother's house, I could easily sneak in there and asphyxiate him."

7. "You can always tell an idiot from their views on vaccinations."

8. "Where's your 'O Jesus' handle?"

9. "No other food gives the taste buds such a ride."

10. "I can't tell you if he's genuine about his political aspirations or if there's something else going on."

The answers.

1. "Did nana really want me aborted?" Said Step Dave, (Jono Keyon) to his mum, who reassuringly replied, "Don't worry, she's quite fond of you now".

2. "I'm being manipulized." Proving that language is an ever-evolving thing, The GC's, Rosanna Arkel coins a new word as she describes how she's been treated by Zane.

3. "How does this work? Did you send Ambassador Rodman to North Korea on your behalf? I heard you're going to be sending Hulk Hogan to Syria or is that more of a job for Tonia Harding." Zach Galifanakis to Obama on Between Two Ferns. Zach had other ideas for the leader of the free world. "You know what I would do if I was president? I'd make same sex divorce illegal and then see how bad they want it."

4. "Ladies and Tangata whenua, avert your eyes". This should probably be a warning before every second show on TV, but is yet more magic from the makers of Neighbours at War. This was inspired by Gary, who was about to show how he bared his buttocks to his annoying neighbour. Naturally they deployed the term "annus horribilis", within seconds.

5. "It is so refreshing to work with someone who will throw a saddle on a gift horse rather than look it in the mouth." Frank Underwood from TV3's House of Cards really has a way with words, or a "felicity for language", as Shane Jones is apt to say.

6. "I've got the keys to my brother's house, I could easily sneak in there and asphyxiate him." That was Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch) going "a little bit off piste" during that surreal and sensational best man speech at John Watson's wedding.

7. "You can always tell an idiot from their views on vaccinations." That's what I love about the French, they're firm but fair. That one came from one of the weary looking cops on The Tunnel (Soho) who was tired of dealing with conspiracy nuts. "You want to know who blew up the twin towers? Mossad? Aliens? Zinedine Zidane?"

8. "Where's your 'O Jesus' handle?" Said one cop to another as he drove at speed through the back streets of Dublin, on Love/Hate. (Rialto) The handle in question being the one above the passenger door that you hang on to when you're with a crazy driver. "The last fulla pulled it out."

9. "No other food gives the taste buds such a ride." Rick Stein in India where he was on a mission to prove that there's more to curry "than 3 pints of lager and vindaloo". Don't miss the final as he presents the result of the mission, "the perfect curry", this Sunday, 8.45pm Prime.

10. "I can't tell you if he's genuine about his political aspirations or if there's something else going on." Rachel Smalley keeping an open-ish mind on Kim Dotcom on Q&A. She hit the German wide-boy with a series of quick-fire questions. Rachel Smalley: "Which politician do you admire?" Dotcom: "David Shearer, he is a decent man." RS: "Should the rich pay a higher tax rate?" KD: "Yes" RS: "Should we legalize marijuana?" KD: "Yes". RS: "Mein Kampf or The Bone People?" KD: "I only got halfway through The Bone People, so I really can't say." Ok, so I made the last one up, but I'm a fan of the quick-fire question, it's a cheap trick to be sure, but it's also a good way to stop a politician from waffling. Given Dotcom's snuggling up with anti-establishment and leftie parties, like the Greens and Mana, perhaps the best question Smalley asked was: "Why give money to John Banks then?" Dotcom. "He told me he was pro-Internet."

It reminds me of the oft used words of my mother, and everyone else's. "I suppose you'd jump off the harbor bridge if he told you to?"