Paul Casserly: TV's best quotes - 'His sentences bump and grind like mating cockroaches'

Paul Henry, MasterChef Australia's Matt Preston and Mike Hosking.

Paul Casserly rounds up the best TV quotes from January.

I'm still recovering from all those late nights watching the tennis and all my days with that brilliant cricket. My god, what a season they're having, although I'm a little worried that we have peaked too soon. As much as I complain about the rising Sky charges it's sport that keeps me locked to my monthly tithe as well as Soho and Rialto for the top-notch dramatic fare.

But I'm tapped out, Sky Arts is a tithe too far, but sadly, it's also where some great new shows are popping up, like Borgen, (Thursdays at 8.30pm) possibly the best political drama of all time. Don't miss it if you're a subscriber, and seek it out by other means if not.

Sadly the best quotes of the past month took place on radio and in print as Eleanor Catton, her dad and Sean Plunket tussled in a clash of cultures. But it was Alan Duff, in defence of Catton, who had the best line, describing our media as: "A garbage-strewn land ruled over by mediocrities fiercely and ruthlessly possessive of the high ground they're seized."

I know, I should have been out running around during summer, but instead I sat inside for hours in my cider-stained undies (which is odd because I was drinking beer) while selflessly collecting hundreds of thousands of contenders for this month's list of quotes, which I've whittled down to 10.

Try and guess who said them before you read the answers below.

As ever here's 10 quotes that caught my fancy in the month that was. Can you guess who said them?

The quotes

1. "You're like a weather girl you. I'm looking at ya, and I'm looking at all the stuff behind you, but I haven't heard a single word you've said."
2. "With great power comes great responsibility."
3. "Thai are usually reliable, even in a place like this."
4. "But China has never entirely forgotten how a foreign power forced it at gunpoint to allow millions of its citizens to be turned into drug addicts."
5. "She's an incredibly good looking woman and I'm a garden gnome."
6. "You would smear saliva under your eyes to make it look you were crying."
7. "What two languages are used in the term 'half-pai'?"
8. "I'm just talking about the dark races, why are they even here?"
9. "You greedy bastards, don't you have enough money without doing this? Oh the humanity!"
10. "His sentences bump and grind like mating cockroaches."

The context

1. "You're like a weather girl you. I'm looking at ya, and I'm looking at all the stuff behind you, but I haven't heard a single word you've said." A Coronation Street exchange that sums up much of my weather viewing, leading to much overuse of the rewind button. Am I alone?

2. "With great power comes great responsibility." TV Rule number 18: The more portentous and solemn the words, the more banal the show. This from TV's most prolific cravat model, Matt Preston, on MasterChef Australia.

3. "Thai are usually reliable, even in a place like this." This is a rule well known to any traveller around the world and applies just as much in New Plymouth as it does in Broadchurch where this was said by surly lawyer Sharon Bishop, (Marianne Jean-Baptiste) as she contemplated dinner in the hick town.

4. "But China has never entirely forgotten how a foreign power forced it at gunpoint to allow millions of its citizens to be turned into drug addicts." From the Prime series Empire, hosted by Jeremy Paxman, which screened over the summer break. Keep an eye out for repeats, the dirty laundry of the British Empire is a fascinating tale, especially the story of how they pushed the sale of opium on the Chinese people at gun(boat)point.

5. "She's an incredibly good looking woman and I'm a garden gnome." Unlike most reality shows TV3's Beauty and the Geek (Australia) is a paragon of self-effacement.

6. "You would smear saliva under your eyes to make it look you were crying." So said a North Korean defector on having to look upset following Kim Jong Il's death, on Al Jazerra.

7. "What two languages are used in the term 'half-pai'?" asked Tom Conroy of University Challenge (Prime). "English and French?" answered the students from Otago who were unfamiliar with this old time hybrid of Te Reo and English, meaning incomplete or substandard quality, pai being Maori for "good". Next year expect questions on "ungrateful hua".

8. "I'm just talking about the dark races, why are they even here?" said a deranged Pakeha protester at Waitangi, to Seven Sharp reporter Jehan Casinader. The man had no problem with Maori present, only the "darker ones over there". "What a moron" observed Hosking correctly back in the studio. Jehan was also asked if he was member of ISIS. "Are you a member of ISIS?" asked Hosking, "No I am not a member of ISIS. Are you a member of the National Front?"

9. "You greedy bastards, don't you have enough money without doing this? Oh the humanity!" Me, while watching SKY Sport's coverage of the Black Caps v Pakistan in relation to Sky cutting away to commercials and MISSING SOME OF THE ACTION, hopefully not a portent of World Cup coverage, but yet another good reason to tune in to the Alternative Cricket Collective while you watch.

10. "Brimming with insecure diction and spurious dignity, as the author belabours his prejudices. His sentences bump and grind like mating cockroaches." A brilliantly zingy review of Paul Henry's most recent book Outraged, taken from Greatest Hits (Makaro Press) a new collection from Wellington writer David Cohen.

- nzherald.co.nz