Paul Casserly: TVs best quotes - 'Cheap-a** farmers'

David Farrier, Kim Dotcom, Jono Pryor and Ben Boyce. Photo / NZH, Supplied

As we close the door on the strangest September since records have been kept, and gird our loins for the inevitable countdown to Christmas, let us pause, take a cup of tea with a jigger of whiskey, easy on amitriptyline, and focus on the things we are grateful for.

For many of you, the election outcome will be comforting; others will take refuge in thoughts such as "at least Colin Craig didn't make it". The truly content will ask "what election?" before calling for the nurse. We can be thankful that we no longer have an air force capable of taking part in the great Isis hunt. This should keep us free from beheadings for the time being, except for the ones within the Labour party.

And speaking of brutality, how about the new and final season of Boardwalk Empire? The opening episodes have been splendid concoctions of cinematic drama, comedy, art direction and explosive violence.

And I think we can add The Knick, to the list of top-notch golden-age shows. The compelling Steven Soderbergh series, in which Clive Owen plays a medical Sherlock, is a class act with a superb Jean Michel Jarre-like music score.

If you're on Netflix I suggest you seek out the tremendous Happy Valley for Broadchurch level crime thrills, and BoJack Horseman for post Family Guy animated lols. And speaking of thigh-slapping giggles, guffaws, or perhaps, just the occasional snort; 7 Days and Jono & Ben have been joined by newcomers Cover Band and Short Poppies, proving that we can make comedy after all, and that there is no shortage of ideas or practitioners.

The surrealists among you will be missing the most interesting laugh fest of late, The Late Night Big Breakfast, but you could try replacing it with something called Happy Hour, another glorious, though possibly unintentional, mess of uncomfortable comedy.

So be happy, rejoice; shut the hell up. It could always be worse. Christine Rankin could be sitting in a Ministerial limo, yelling out to her driver, "Get Cam Slater on the blower!"

Here's 10 notable utterings from the TV month that was. Who do you think said them?

The quotes

1. "Colin goes loose leaf because tea-bagging goes against family values."

2. "These invasions only mean business for the American government."

3. "I thought you would have gone with; 'Hone Harawira b****** at?'"

4. "No need to worry about climate change, but we should let the government do what ever they want, because terrorists are everywhere. "

5. "Life moves on, doesn't it?"

6. "You'll have to bone up on those, you might get Foreign Minister."

7. "Cheap-a** farmers."

8. "And here goes Savea!"

9. "You can't drink piss to that. For cry-wanking maybe, but not for piss drinking."

10. "New Zealand doesn't have many people, so every last one is precious."

The context

1. "Colin goes loose leaf because tea-bagging goes against family values."
Dai Henwood, on the 7 Days election special while looking at a picture of Colin Craig and Christine Rankin having a cup of tea.

2. "These invasions only mean business for the American government."
Not much mention of the military industrial complex on our nightly news as the west goes all in against the evil Isis devils, but Bolivian President Evo Morales, talking on Russian news channel RT, has a rather jaded view of the hawks of Washington and their allies. Well he would wouldn't he, and yes RT is as biased as they come, but our news reports seemed full of the old "surgical airstrikes" and claims of "no civilian casualties" as the cheer leading for the killing began. Just like the last time.

3. "I thought you would have gone with; 'Hone Hawawira b****** at?'"
Jono Pryor of Jono and Ben, questioning Hone Harawira's choice of "Bees To The Hone" as a title to his calendar that was part of the former MP's pre-election appearance on the Jono and Ben election special. Harawira also featured in the pun-laden skit "Hone and Away".

Peter Dunne turned up in leathers in "Dunnes of Anarchy" and Phil Goff freaked out customers in a New World in "The Next Actor" series, even blowing up a shopper's condom. Funny as it was, he was no Madeleine Sami, whose appearance in the segment is legendary.

4. "Don't worry about climate change, but we should let the government do what ever they want because terrorists are everywhere."
Not a direct quote, but pretty much what Mike and Toni say every night on Seven Sharp.

5. "Life moves on, doesn't it?"
Hone Harawira was avoiding the media but he felt obliged to talk to John Campbell who stalked him to the airport just days after his shocking loss in the election.

6. "You'll have to bone up on those, you might get Foreign Minister"
Ali Ikram to Act MP David Seymour after the latter failed to correctly answer the Air New Zealand inflight quiz which asked, "What is the capital of Tonga?" Seymour suggested Suva, but it is of course Nukualofa. The Campbell Live story was full of delightful moments, the first being that Seymour wanted to fly to Wellington on Jetstar because of the party's pathological hatred of Air New Zealand as it's part-owned by the state. Sadly, he couldn't find a suitable Jet Star flight and sullied himself on the communist carrier after all. Ikram, who was following the ingénue for the day, was in bemused deadpan mode making Seymour even more terrified. Seymour's ringtone offered more comedy. It's a refrain from Dave Brubeck's "Take Five". This allowed Ikram to ask, "What do you like about jazz?" Seymour, without any detectable irony, replied "It's probably the way they make it up as they go along."

7. "Cheap-a** farmers."
This is the terrible slur that Kim Dotcom is alleged to have inflicted on us New Zealanders, according to a disgruntled ex-employee who 3rd Degree dug up to dish the dirt on public enemy number one. His ex-wife, Mona is also alleged to have said that we are "badly dressed." I don't know about you, but if there's a country with more farmers and with worse fashion sense than NZ, I have yet to hear of it. Even if he called us "cheap arse-farmers", we've heard worse.

8. "And here goes Savea!"
Grant Nisbett, or anyone commentating on the All Blacks these days, but this one in particular came during this week's test against the Argentinians as Savea ran in his 7th try in 7 tests. Another good thing about Savea is that we don't know who he voted for. Dagg and Lomu have been reported as staunch National fans. Imagine our disappointment if we discovered Julian had ticked Conservative, or even, (gasp) United Future?

9. "You can't drink piss to that, for crywanking maybe, but not for piss drinking."
The firm but fair reckoning of pub owner and promoter (Mark Mitchinson) on the debut episode of local comedy Cover Band, (TV1 Thursdays, 9.45pm) upon hearing one of the band's 'originals'. "I don't want to hear one of your sad little poems set to whiney music, play something we all know."

10. "New Zealand doesn't have many people so every last one is precious."
Deadpan David Farrier, the reporter, playing David Farrier, a deadpan reporter, on the Rhys Darby mocu-comedy Short Poppies, now screening on TV1 (Thursdays 10.10pm) in glorious HD after languishing in the low-res hell of TVNZ on demand.

- nzherald.co.nz