Paul Casserly: 'Tighter than Mickey Rourke's forehead' - TV's best quotes

Mickey Rourke. Photo / Getty Images

July has come and gone like a drunken outpatient with a bad attitude. Everyone's been as sick as a dog, as scratchy as a cat or pompous as a prince.

Still, at least we no longer have to endure our friends trumpeting that they are "doing dry July", and we have a couple of months before they start droning on about "Movember".

To celebrate breaking the back of 2013, here's a selection of quips, quotes and brain farts as seen on TV.

Can you guess who said them?

THE QUESTIONS:

1. "They call me a pirate? They are the pirates, they steal all this information on us illegally."

2. "We've been going Copernicus, when we should have been going Galileo on this bitch."

3. "Same as you, free pussy and life on the road."

4. "It looks quite straight, unlike other things around here."

5. "I checked on the number of Facebook friends John Key has. I think he has something like 70,000. That means that 98.5 per cent of the population of this country are not his Facebook friends."

6. "This is such a moving song I can imagine it on ads."

7. "The landscape features countless cattle and sheep farms that produce meat and dairy products."

8. "Tighter than Micky Rourke's forehead."

9. "Is the government's fault that you couldn't keep your legs crossed?"

10. "A lot of defence that sort of epitomizes how dig we can deep."

THE ANSWERS:

1. "They call me a pirate? They are the pirates, they steal all this information on us illegally." Kim Dotcom making sense while speaking to John Campbell shortly after the surreal GCSB hearing in which Kim asked John Key why he was blushing and Key asked Kim why he was sweating.

2. "We've been going Copernicus, when we should have been going Galileo on this bitch." More magic from Detective Stephen Holder (Joel Kinnaman) on Soho's The Killing. Series 3 of the American version of the Danish show has been the best yet. One of the best shows of the year? Correct. (There's a collection of Holderisms here.)

3. "Same as you, free pussy and life on the road." More great dialogue from TV2's Shameless. William H. Macy should be enough reason to get you to watch this show. Like The Killing, Shameless hasn't suffered too much in translation. The original UK version is still better, but the US show has plenty of charms of its own. Sadly the same can't be said of the US reboot of The Bridge. It blows in comparison to the original.

4. "It looks quite straight, unlike other things around here." So said Basil Brush, before deploying a "Boom Boom!" Just jokes, it was in fact a builder on Mitre 10 Dream Home (TV2) in an inevitable turn of events on a mainstream show featuring, OMG, Lesbians! Jay, half of the same sex couple who are competing on the show joined in the double entendre-athon with, "I can't cut straight."

5. "I checked on the number of Facebook friends John Key has. I think he has something like 70,000. That means that 98.5 per cent of the population of this country are not his Facebook friends." So said Australian writer Nick Carter on TV1's Q&A pointing out that the idea of Facebook as a democratic force is a total bunch of arse.

6. "This is such a moving song I can imagine it on ads." Ruby Frost, keeping it real, on the X Factor. She was referring to Benny Tipene's rather impressive self-penned song that he performed on the show.

7. "The landscape features countless cattle and sheep farms that produce meat and dairy products." Sadly the lovely pictures on Prime's New Zealand From Above were not matched with glorious words. In fact they seemed to be gleamed from 1970's tourist propaganda. I was half expecting them to mention the "friendly Maoris".

8. "Tighter than Micky Rourke's forehead." Some lovely word-smithing from a BBC World Newsnight report on the tightness of musician Nile Rogers' grooves. Rogers has been having a resurgence of late, thanks in part to a collaboration with Daft Punk and an appearance at Glastonbury.

9. "Is the government's fault that you couldn't keep your legs crossed?" So said Ofa the world's meanest WINZ case officer to her solo mum client on Madeleine Sami's super satire SuperCity 2 (TV3). Levi, Sami's take on vain rugby players with fancy haircuts, is another highlight of this comically grim skit-fest. As Levi stands in tunnel ready to take the footy field, an older player imparts the importance of hairstyling in the modern game. "You got to stand out in order to get those sponsorship deals, if not the girls won't suck you off in the corner of the clubs."

10. "A lot of defence that sort of epitomises how dig we can deep."
Chiefs captain Craig Clarke during the post match interview at the semi final in which they pipped the Crusaders in a 20/19 thriller. So yes, a bit pedantic of me to mention his fumbling of words as opposed to the ball. It made me think that I wouldn't even be able to open my mouth after 80 minutes of that sort of carry on. I could possibly manage "mummy".