Paul Casserly: Golden moments

A scene from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Photo / Supplied

Here's another collection of golden quotes I've collected over the past month. Can you guess who said them? Go on, I bet you can't.

1. "Can New Zealand get the Olympics just so Peter Jackson can do the opening ceremony?"
2. "The author of the bus is not my cup of tea."
3. "I don't think so. And I don't think you're going to find a bunch of journalists without a plagiarist among them."
4. "I'm not racist, I do martial arts with Maoris."
5. "I want to get so I drunk I forget where I live."
6. "She holds her belly button until she sees a bird fly past."
7. "A capitalist hires more people only as a last resort."
8. "Just stay at home and clean up."
9. "The other guy's bald and he has a big mo."
10. "The main thing is to wake up every morning."

1. "Can New Zealand get the Olympics just so Peter Jackson can do the opening ceremony?" Okay so you won't guess that one, it was someone on Twitter, but I'm guessing they didn't see the opening of the Games because that sure looked like Hobbiton to me. I thought the transformation from the agrarian to the industrial age was just this side of genius. It was also a greenie nightmare as it was basically a celebration of coal. Still, if we do get the Games and Jackson directs the opener, then maybe we'd get Golem for the commentary rather than Stephen McIvor, or even one of the Feebles.

2. "The author of the bus is not my cup of tea." That's what the President of the Czech Republic said when he was asked what he thought of that genius London Bus/transformer sculpture created by Czech artist David Cerny for the Olympics. I'm guessing the President may still be upset by one of David's other works.

3. "I don't think so. And I don't think you're going to find a bunch of journalists without a plagiarist among them." That was in response to Mark Sainsbury asking the guy in charge of drug testing at the Olympics whether we'd ever see a drug-free games. David Howman, the Kiwi who heads the anti-doping agency certainly has a way with words. Like the story about the "Hungarian athletes who had an artificial bladder that they stuck up their rectum with a little tube that went down their penis and they pushed a button to pee".

4. "I'm not racist, I do martial arts with Maoris." That's the dad of a tot who was pulled out of kindy because the parents thought that learning to count in Te Reo was a waste of time. They approached Campbell Live to do a story. It was an own goal. After a flood of negative feedback it was reported that the parents now regret going on the programme and feel they've been stitched up.

5. "I want to get so I drunk I forget where I live." That was Jason Grimshaw's recipe for dealing with all the post tram-crash trauma on Coronation Street. Clearly his quest is doomed, as he lives on the most famous street in the world.

6. "She holds her belly button until she sees a bird fly past." This should be familiar to fans of the Australian version of Beauty and the Geek. It was said by one of the "geeks", Julian, who correctly guessed that this is what "beauty" Jordon does every time she sees an ambulance. Apparently it wards off bad karma. So to recap: Spot ambulance, place finger on belly button, wait for a bird to fly past, release finger.

7. "A capitalist only hires more people as a last resort." This from refreshingly honest venture capitalist Nick Hanauer, on Fareed Zakara GPS (CNN, Mondays, 11pm). He went on to say, "When business people take credit for jobs it's like squirrels taking credit for evolution". The only thing, he reckons, that really creates jobs is "the middle class buying stuff".

8. "Just stay at home and clean up." A young girl on Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, who was asked, "What are you going to do when you get older?" Yes it's sad, but at least it's not as annoying as all those smug little mites who want to be "life-coaches" or "marine biologists".

9. "The other guy's bald and he has a big mo." Who could John Campbell possibly be talking about on this Radio Live sting that plays during Hamish McKay's sports show?

10. "The main thing is to wake up every morning." Fred from Buckland's Beach Bowling Club had just turned 100, so naturally Michael Holland from Close Up was on hand for one of his trademark good vibe puff pieces. The dry response was to the inevitable question, "What's your secret?" Fred was a joker and you wouldn't have been surprised if he'd said "Heroin and Horlicks". The truth wasn't too far off - he was an enthusiastic smoker and drinker and even sculled some rum for the camera. That's the beauty of current affairs, you can celebrate drinking and smoking one day and create a moral panic about it the next.

Scoring: If you guessed 0-3 you're probably reading too much. If you guessed more than five then you are probably John Campbell. If you got all 10 then you're probably a life coach, in which case you're disqualified.

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